Thankful

Everyone is doing this 30 days of thankfulness thing on Facebook, and I decided to do it on my blog. I know I'm a little far into the month, but honestly this is the longest Matthew has napped in a while, and I got a lot of my chores done.

I'm going to do these in video form. It should catch everyone up on the past 4 (!) months.

*BTW This took me all day because of Mr. M. He is sweet but he is a handful!

Introducing Mr. Matthew

My baby may have been a day late from his due date, but I am 10 days late in posting this:

Matthew George, born 7:43pm on Monday 7/2/12, 8lbs 11oz, 21.5 in. He's my sweet baby boy and he is perfect. Love, love, love. The brothers are doing great and love him too. More details to follow soon. :)

The Results are In

Okay, so I had my ultrasound and it's a perfectly healthy.....

Boy! Yep, I remember all of those people who I felt sorry for who had 3 boys. Obviously they wanted a girl and were cheated 3x out of them. Now I am one of them. I am sad to lose that dream (and believe me, it's gone, I will not go through a 4th pregnancy) but there is really nothing I can do about it. I won't lie, I do feel a little resigned, a little tired by the news (seriously, if this boy is like my crazy Calamity Jake....) but I already love the little guy so much, I can't be too disappointed. (Although I did feel like I disappointed others who really thought-or at least hoped for my sake- it was a girl.) I am so relieved the little guy is healthy too, since this was my first ultrasound with him.

So yeah, that's my stance, a little disappointed but completely in love with my little guy. The disappointment will fade and I won't feel it when he is born, just excitement, happiness and love. Truly we are blessed. I can't believe this girly-girl will be dealing with snakes, toads, dinosaurs and mud forever. I believe that is what the universe calls "balance".

Plus, when I am out with Mr. B, he gets bathroom duty forever. That is pretty awesome.

To Three or not to Three?

photo © 2005 Marco Bellucci | more info (via: Wylio)
I have been going back and forth with my husband over the same topic for two years. I always think we have resolved the issue, and that we are moving on with an answer. Unfortunately, both of us keep losing our resolve.

The issue is whether or not to have another child. I have always wanted to have a girl, and when the ultrasound revealed that we were having another boy four years ago, a part of that dream died for me. I love my two boys without question and would not change a thing about them, but I still sometimes feel sad that I will not have a relationship with a daughter like my Mom and I have.

Then, once Jacob was born, the question became: will we try again for a girl? Both my husband and I have changed our minds on this so many times over the years. He was against it for a while, wanting to wait until we were "financially stable". Then he realized that "financially stable" was a phrase that was synonymous with "fairy tale". I decided last summer that I wanted another child once I lost x amount of weight. Then I changed my mind, and decided that I didn't want to buy diapers anymore when Jacob was quickly potty trained. I thought this was the last word and that my husband did not want another child....

....Then a month ago he began cooing over babies. It turns out someone has baby fever and it is not me for once. (I may have had an inkling about this turn of events coming when he seemed a little saddened by my decision for no more children; I tried to ignore this.)

Now the question has become: am I willing to revisit something I had stopped thinking about? The idea of having another child is terrifying and exciting all at once. I can sit here and go over pros and cons, but honestly, I will never come to a decision that way. I'm not sure this feeling of uncertainty will ever go away. Is that uncertainty enough reason to have another child? All of the reasons not to have another child really seem selfish and silly, but haven't I earned the right to be a little selfish? It is my body that will be taken over again.

Also, babies turn into two year olds. They all do eventually. That idea alone is terrifying.

Has anyone gone through anything similar and if so, what did you decide?

The Little Boy Bias

What are little boys made of?

Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails

That's what little boys are made of!

What are little girls made of?

Sugar and spice and all things nice

That's what little girls are made of!

I was never meant to have a son. Well let me rephrase that, I shouldn't say I was never meant to have a son, of course I was meant to have a son, God and science (and the fact that I eat a crapload of cereal) determined this for me. I just never expected to have a son. I have no idea what to do with little boys. Everywhere in my life girls have been the dominant gender-in my family, in my classes, and even (actually especially) in my work. I have lived a very girl-centric life. Not only that but I have always been a girly- girl. I mean sure, I fish, play cards and drink beer, I hate wearing jewelery and I love men's college basketball, but overall I like things more equated with the fairer sex, like chick lit, manicures, being CLEAN, frilly dresses, makeup, and looking at jewelery (I just hate wearing it- there is no rhyme or reason to being me!). I know nothing about little boys. I babysat one little boy when I was a teenager (yes, just one, I wasn't into little kids and I still feel uncomfortable around any but my own and a few others), and he was a little shit, just horrible. He was mean and pushy and violent and well, just a yucky little boy. I did not like him at all. He reminded me of all the teasing I received at the hands of the little boys I grew up with, and as a chubby little girl with buck teeth and a perm, I received teasing aplenty (thank you Mom and Dad for the braces)!

However, when I was pregnant the first time and I thought about having a little boy, I was very excited. I imagined a little cherub-like boy with chubby cheeks as red as apples and fat thighs on a roly poly baby. I did not imagine that he would grow up one day to be a real boy running around, splashing in puddles and collecting live worms in his pockets (yes that DID happen). I did not imagine birthing a boy who yells and runs and karate chops things with his legs. I would never have conceived in my mind being the mother to a boy whose favorite DVD is Truck Tunes and who collects tools the way I used to collect Barbies. I didn't expect it because it is not what I am used to, was out of my range of familiarity. I knew that having a boy would be different from what I was used to, but I didn't know exactly WHAT to expect, and that worried me.

For a while, though, I had nothing to be concerned about. Drew has been little, smaller than many of his classmates, not very athletic or rambunctious and still seemed, thankfully, like a baby boy (the worm incident withstanding), until this weekend that is. This weekend Drew went to a birthday party for an older friend. That is when I saw my four year old son Drew become my future no-longer-a-cherub-like-roly-poly-baby but-rough-and tumble-big-boy Drew with his friends, yelling and jumping, wearing Batman masks, crawling on the disgusting bowling alley floor (and yes I made him get up) and it hit me. He is a capital B-O-Y boy, and BOY am I in over my head. I look at Drew and I don't know what to do with him. I can't relate to a boy the same way I would to a girl and it scares me. I just worry that he will turn into that little boy I babysat or that bully that terrorized my fifth grade self.

And yet, he's not just any little rugrat, he's my Drew. That boy exudes kindness and gentleness along with his rambunctiousness. No one ever told me that little boys could be so loving and sweet as well as dirty and crazy. Until now I never thought to consider that maybe boys are different from girls in a positive way, a way that challenges who I am, and who I thought I would be. I mean, granted, I am probably never going to get to play "princess" with Drew (or maybe I will, I am okay with that!) but I realize now that is not a bad thing. The truth is I am blessed with my two boys. Now I can finally get the dirt under my nails and learn to let go, and to go against my grain.

PS- I know that most of what I am saying is reaffirming gender stereotypes, I realize that there are many girls and boys that go against those stereotypes, however I am speaking from the experiences that I have had. Yes I am calling everyone girls and boys because when we become adults we are men and women and adults definitely blur those gender defined roles. Wow, I think I am officially talking out of my ass now!
Photo Credit: Space.boy