Wordless Wednesday: He Never Looked Back

Recently posted to my instagram account.

Calamity Jake

"Hmm... this is strange," the sonographer says.

"What?" I say in a slightly panicked voice, heart racing. What did she find?

"I've never seen this before," she says says, sounding surprised. Totally NOT the words you want to hear at your ultrasound.

"The baby has his legs up around his head, see? Very unusual. We'll get a picture of it."

"Oh, okay." I relax.

Normal, just a little odd. Little did I know what an omen this ultrasound would be for the baby to come....

My Jacob is a fiery whirlwind of activity and giggles. He is curiosity and strength personified (seriously, he is very freakishly strong) mixed with instability, smiles and wobbliness. When he started to crawl, more safety gates were purchased, more locks, and things were padded, moved and rearranged, things that we had never thought or worried about when Drew was crawling. When he started to walk I knew that no amount of child proofing would be enough with this child. I circle Jacob as he walks, his personal safety net. Every movement he makes brings a mixture of amusement, amazement and terror to me and my husband. There is no off button on Jacob. There is no downtime.

And at school? Well, every day is an incident report.... stemming from another daredevil Jacob move. A bruise here, a cut there, at home or at school. He barely notices and hardly cries (not even for shots). The boy has battle scars and he is not even two yet. The calls I get every day, they don't even phase me anymore. I also don't blame his school? How can I when I can barely keep him safe on a one on one basis?

We have a little fort that he loves that has a climbing wall and a slide (yes it's an outdoor toy that is in our house. Don't judge until you've lived in Michigan.... we need SOMETHING to do around here.) He has no idea how to sit down and push himself off of the slide, so half of the time he ends up going down the slide by accident. Sometimes he does a face plant, sometimes a weird half split down the slide that looks incredibly uncomfortable for a man. Mr. Bee can't help but wince as he watches. Jacob picks himself up, and then he giggles. This is in between the times that he is shaking the fort, making it shimmy from side to side. That fort wasn't made to withstand such a brutal beating. I'm pretty sure he will tear it apart soon enough.

In fact, leave him alone in any room and he has torn it apart after a few seconds. Books get torn from their shelves, drawers emptied of their clothes. Most bad ideas Drew and Jacob come up with are Jacob's idea. He is a tornado, destroying and tearing apart everything he touches. I'm not sure what else I expected from my little tornado baby (Jacob was born hours after a series of tornadoes went through the town right next to us, therefore, really a tornado baby FTW.) This child... he makes me want to tear my hair out from exhaustion, frustration, worry. I don't expect it will get better any time soon. I have a feeling my Jacob will always be pushing buttons, testing his limits, and making me stay up at night filled with worry.

Oddly enough, even with the frayed nerves, I am excited that he is brave. Bravery is definitely a quality I am lacking, and to see my child be so daring, well, while it makes me scared, it also makes me believe he will lead a very interesting life.

For that reason, I can't stay mad. I can't even get frustrated. It's Jacob's world, we just all live in it. I just want to sit back and see what he comes up with next. I think he will always be surprising me, keeping me on my toes. It's a good thing to have a calamity Jake around.

PS He also gets away with a lot because turns me to mush when I hear that giggle. Hell yes he is spoiled. He has me wrapped around his little chubby fingers.

I hate everyone- including you

I'm glad I have been pregnant before. Because I have been pregnant before, I can remember how utterly insane I get during the last month of pregnancy. I am a total bitch. There is no way around it. I really don't know exactly what hormonally happens to me, but every one and every thing suddenly gets labeled as "the most annoying thing in the planet". For example, this morning I followed someone who had the nerve to go the speed limit all the way down Mt. Hope rd. How dare they do that, didn't they know I was running late? Then they actually go straight, and don't turn at the light as I need them to. When I get out of my car, 5 min late, the sun is too bright, the trucks are too loud, and the stairs are too steep. When I sit down in my chair, my phone rings. How dare they call me, don't they know I just got here?

All of this doesn't help when you have a 2 1/2 year old who just realized that he needs to start experiencing his terrible twos. At first, when he started hitting and spitting on me, I took it personally. I tried reasoning with him, time outs, and even crying (lots of crying). Now I am just ignoring it. Drew's better off if I just ignore the (literally) 40 tantrums then if I try to correct the behavior. Because I AM NOT A NICE PERSON RIGHT NOW, and I don't want to take that out on him. No, unfortunatly, that is saved for Shaun right now, him and anyone who is on the road with me.

Some other things that annoy me:

People that try to give me advice when I just want to vent.

Women that love being pregnant. Shut up. You can't possibly love this all the time.

Women that don't miss drinking when they are pregnant. Good for you, maybe you can hold my uterus while I drink a bottle of sweet precious bud light.

People talking to me at daycare when I am in a hurry to drop Drew off. Time is money, people.

Shaun working late.

Shaun working on the weekends.

Shaun golfing on the weekends.

People voicing their opinion on possible name choices. I didn't ask for it, so why are you telling me? If you didn't like the shirt I was wearing would you tell me? Not unless you are a rude bitch. It's our decision, not yours.

Having so much to do and very little energy.

Trying to get Drew to put his toys away.

Our carpet. It's so dirty.

Cooking.

Cleaning.

Trying to sleep.

Spencer on the Hills.

The American version of "Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares". Not.... the.... same.... at all.

Watching so much TV when I should be cleaning.

Cleaning when I want to watch so much TV.

Braxton Hicks Contractions. They do hurt.

Getting weighed at the doctors.

My ankles.

Trying to pick out cute maternity clothes every day.

Radiator heat.

Temper tantrums.

The fact that Drew can open child safety gates. Seriously, what is he, Houdini?

When my ipod pauses for no reason in the car.

Shaun leaving his boxers, socks, what have you, on the floor. Lazy husband.

People asking me how I feel. I feel awful 90% of the time. But that's not what people want to hear.

My son (actually both of them- the one inside and the one outside) kicking me all the time.

Drew saying "I don't love you" and refusing to kiss me when I get home.

Friday afternoons- why isn't it 5 already?

The Funny things kids learn in Childcare....

Or "Why I love my son's childcare". We were driving to "school" and suddenly Drew began counting from 1-10 in SPANISH. Yes, he can count in Spanish as well as he can count in English, probably better because in English he skips the 8. Unless he's been secretly sneaking out of his room at night to watch Dora the Explorer or the male counterpart Diego, he has learned this in childcare. Of course then he proceeded to try and play peekaboo with Mommy while I drove, so apparently they haven't covered Driver safety yet!

Drew and Shaun Go Shopping!

So, as a favor to me, Shaun decided to pick up Drew from childcare and go grocery shopping. I was pretty excited (although I do this same task ALL of the time), I sent him a list at work through email, and began to get all excited to get my cleaning done for the week uninterrupted. (I'm a crazy gal, aren't I?) So, here's a rundown:

5:20 p.m.- I sit down and rest for a minute. No rest for the weary, I get up and start vacuuming.

5:55 p.m.- Wow, that was tiring. I sit down with a snack and get ready to watch My OC reruns on the Soap channel (guilty pleasure!)

6:15 Shaun calls, he's just picking up Drew. Wow, it's going to be a late one for them- too bad so sad. I realize I should probably fold laundry while watching TV.

7:00 All done and my "story" is all done too. I work on the dishes, and make mac and cheese, as we only have those ingredients in the house.

7:20 Mac and cheese is done. I call Shaun- he tells me they are a quarter of the way through the list and wants to know which kind of diapers he should buy, trying to figure out unit price for each.

"Just buy baby dry", I tell him, and then I tell him to not be so critical.

"Drew's getting fussy," he says.

"He's probably hungry, go get the cereal bars and let him eat one."

"I don't know where they are." Okay, now I am getting frustrated. Then he also tells me "they don't have pledge wipes". Now I am really frustrated.

"Are you in the right section?"

"I think so, why do you sound so annoyed?"

"I'm not annoyed, you just always think they are out of something when you can't find it."

"Okay, well, I'll talk to you later, bye." He hangs up on me, and I think, am I out of line? Was that pregnancy emotions, or do I have a valid point? I am hungry- must be pregnancy brain. I go eat my Mac and cheese.

7:45- I'm so bored. I clean the coat closet. I could clean the bathroom.... but I don't want to.

8:15- I call Shaun.

"Are you almost done?" I ask.

"Almost, just a couple things.... don't get mad."

"I'm not mad, what?"

"They don't have the V8 Splash in the flavor you wanted."

"Oh," I pause. "It might be V8 frusion."

"Let me see, yes, they do in the frusion."

Oops. "Sorry honey," I say sweetly. "I'll see you soon, right?"

I hear Drew yelling in the background. "Yeah, I'll be home soon."

8:35- Geez, it's late, Drew is going to be so tired, where are they? I can't believe- oh there they are pulling in, finally.

8:55- After trying (unsuccessfully) to get Drew to eat anything but pudding, I go and get him ready for bed. He smells like sunscreen and dirt, and looks prettty awful, but it's too late for a bath tonight, so into bed he goes.

9:15 I put away the groceries that Shaun didn't know where they went (a good 60% of them).

What a relaxing time to myself I had. I hope that can happen again soon!

So to recap

2 hours 15 minutes- The amount of time Shaun and Drew spent in Meijers

1- item not found (Pledge wipes).

2- wrong items bought due to misunderstanding

1- inappropriate Juice item bought by Shaun because it had "100% Vitamin C!"

5 minutes- How long it took when Shaun and Drew got home before the house looked worse than before I started cleaning.

Cheers!

Happy Birthday Drew!

It seems like just yesterday I was taking Drew home from the hospital, now he is 2, almost potty trained, talking all the time. He isn't a baby anymore, he is a little boy. I am so happy that he is turning into such a sweet, loving and fun boy. I know I rant a little on here, but he is such a loving, cute boy, so maybe we are doing something right? Today is his big Birthday party, and I hope he enjoys it at as much as we've enjoyed these two years with him. Times have been tough most of these two years, with a lot of upheaval, but (almost) every moment with him has been a joy. Now if I could lose those last 5 baby pounds, that would be perfect. (I have lost 4 on the diet so far, and even with all of the turmoil of this week, I really haven't cheated too much!)

To be a kid....

I am absolutely so jealous. I dropped Drew off at school, and they had a big tub of bubbles and water that they were playing in with water toys and boats. I definitely wanted to play in the bubbles too. But no, I said bye and gave him a kiss and headed off to work.

Terrible Twos

If you are childless, do not read this. As many people will tell you once you have kids, no one tells you all of the bad stuff about having children. I didn't know anything about the bad when I was pregnant (besides the obvious), only the good. I've thought about this, and here are 2 theories:

1. It's an evolutionary thing. If people had shared all of the bad stuff about parenthood, no one would have kids, and then the population would die out. It's part of the reason babies of animals are so darn cute (that way thier mommy and daddy animals will want to take care of them) <-That I do know is true.

2. People don't tell you about all this shit because they WANT you desperately to have children and destroy your life like they did so they are not alone, and also so that they have other Mommies and Daddies to commisserate with.

I believe these theories are both true, so on that note, all parentless souls, stop reading. I don't want to stop you from sharing in all of our joy. (Being a Mom is wonderful, I really do love it, I just feel cynical today, I promise!)

All of you lucky Moms and Dads, read on.....

This morning, as per usual, I woke up to the sound of wailing 25 minutes before my alarm goes off. I enter my son's room, one eye open, stumbling around in a drunken sailor-like fashion. He is practically falling out of his crib, trying to escape. I pick him up and ask if he is thirsty. "Da," he replies like a little dutchman, nodding his head. I take him into the kitchen.

"Do you want some milk?"

"Da."

I open the refrigerator. Suddenly, all hell breaks loose. He starts shrieking. "What?" I ask. Then my favorite new phrase: "Use your words, Drew."

No answer, he just gets louder.

Then my second favorite phrase. "Please show me."

He points at the cupboard. "Crackers."

"No,we are having breakfast right now, we don't eat crackers for breakfast."

Louder shrieks continue. I say shrieks but really there is no word for this ungodly sound coming out of his mouth. I am a little afraid we might have to call a priest for an exorcism. I can barely look at him, for fear his head might start spinning around.

I set him down in his high chair, as he is still wailing. At this point there are no words to sooth or calm this devil child, and all I can do at this point is wait for a moment when he catches his breath. "Drew, how about some muffins instead?"

The wailing has ceased, which is a good thing because I would've had to leave the room screaming in about ten seconds. "Da," he says in a little voice.

"Can you say please?" I ask, clearly pushing my luck.

"Peas?"

"Thank you," I say, pretending as if nothing had even happened. Inside, I am ready to tear my hair out. While I may have won the battle, I lost the war, even though there is blueberries in the muffin, the crackers are probably better for him.

Then there is the battle to get dressed, the war of the woulds, and the buckling into the car conference. Halfway through my car ride to child care I realize I have not eaten or brushed my hair, I left my purse in the house and my shirt's on inside out.

Isn't it great to be a parent?