For Richer or Poorer, In Excrement and Vomit, Until Death do us Part

I know sometimes I've painted my wedded union with my husband as being all rainbows and roses, and of course it is not always this way. Like all married couples, there are issues, arguments and frustration on both sides, but I try to document mostly the positive. There are three reasons for this. The first reason is that I am trying to showcase mostly the positive outlook I have on life on my blog (especially since I am not always the most positive person in real life). The second reason being that I love Mr. Bee, and I don't want to talk negatively of him on my blog, unless in jest. The third reason being that practically everyone I know reads or has read my blog before, even the men, (most of the time under duress from their wives, but still, they have).

Anyway, my husband and I have a great relationship, but it has its ups and downs. Right now, it's a little bit of a down time. Work is stressful for both of us, and the kids have been challenging. Combine that with a lack of money and time alone, and it has created a bermuda triangle of argumentativeness. I will admit the argumentativeness is mostly from my side, but Mr. Bee has been known to snap as well. Stress will do that to you.

This week in particular has been rough. Mr. Bee has worked 38 hours in three days. I'm premenstrual, and the birth control I am on makes me have some nasty mood swings and ridiculous amounts of tiredness during this time of month. It's been tense.

That all changed today. We bonded through some absurdly disgusting stuff. The vomit and the excrement. Let me start from the beginning:

This morning at about 7am I go into Jacob's room to wake him up. He is already standing in his crib. Jacob lets out a little cry and whines. "Poopy, Mommy."

"Aw, baby," I say as I smell a putrid smell that only Moms can recognize as "diarrhea hot ass" smell. It smells like Indian food and vomit baked in a 350 degree oven with garbage. "I know, Jacob. Let's change it quickly."

Another cry escapes his lips. "Poopy."

I change his diaper and try not to dry heave. It is that terrible. It's not totally loose, but it's still really nasty. Thankfully Mr. Bee has put him in a disposable diaper the night before. Thank goodness for small miracles, I think, as I grimace thinking of the alternative scenario with cloth diapers, which would have included washing the diaper out in the laundry tub and more dry heaving.

I haul the trash can up from the curb, throw the putrid diaper in it and rush to work. It never even occurs to me that Jacob might be sick, that the diaper was not a one-off bout of diarrhea, until I get the call from School at noon, telling me he had two more loose stools, which means that if he has one more I would have to pick him up. I knew I had a lot to try and accomplish at work, so I call Mr. Bee, who promises to try and get out of work if or when Jacob decimates another diaper. I never get another call, though and I pick Jacob and Drew up from school and bring them home immediately after work, as opposed to waiting for Mr. Bee to pick them up. Once at home, Jacob seems fine. Mr. Bee picks up dinner and I tell him to pick up a slice of pie for Jacob, Drew and me to split. (You know where this story is going, don't you? I didn't really think he was sick!)

As Mr. Bee is pulling into the driveway, Drew runs to the bathroom to go poop. I walk in there behind Jacob (who of course needs to be in the bathroom with all pooping individuals). Immediately I notice that somehow, Drew has gotten poop on my towel. My beige towel. Disgusting. I try to pretend it's chocolate and grab it to be thrown into the wash, and shoo Jacob out of the bathroom. Mr. Bee comes in with food, thank goodness because the whole Bee clan is staaaahving. Jacob and I sit down to eat, and Mr. Bee goes to change his clothes(unspoken rule of the Bee house- change into PJ's the moment you arrive home). "Hi Drew!" Yells Mr. Bee through the bathroom door.

"Hi Daddy! I'm done going poopy."

"Okay, do you need help?"

{Muffle, inaudible} "Yeah."

Mr. Bee enters the room. "Oh Drew, it's everywhere. Honey, why is their poop on your hands, and on the wall? All over your butt?" Mr. Bee continues to clean Drew, giving me a running commentary about all of the crevices Drew has deposited poop in my clean bathroom while I simultaneously eat and shoo Jacob away from said bathroom. So appetizing, the commentary, yet I'm staaaahving so I finish quickly so I can help and Mr. Bee can eat, so we tag team the poop clean.

Finally we are ALL sitting at the table, with no poop on our hands and food in our mouths. (Are you as grossed out by that sentence as I am?) The children finish their food, and therefore earn their sliver of pie. Jacob gets only two bites down before it all comes back up. I am standing by him and catch a majority of the vomit in a paper towel and we run and wash Jacob down in the bathroom. Pie comes shooting out of his nose as crocodile tears stream down his face. Mr. Bee gives him a big hug, and we discuss the possibility of us both taking half days, and tag teaming staying home with Jacob. Then Mr. Bee asks if he can please go take a shower. I laugh and agree and tell him about my poopy towel. We giggle as two people in the throes of chaos only can. The week of tenseness is forgotten as we bond over poop and vomit.

The moral of the story? Situations like these are how I know we will last through the long haul. The couple that jokes and bonds over vomit and feces is the couple that stays together.

(On a whole other topic- seriously blogger spellcheck, you don't consider poopy a word? WTH?)

This post talks entirely too much about puke (Why I am not going to BlogHer 09)

Everyone is all atwitter about going to the BlogHer Conference, what they are going to wear, who they will meet, etc.. I am not jealous of all of you and I have no interest in going to BlogHer. This is why:

I am a total scaredy cat, nervous Nelly, Shy guy, what ever cutesy term works for a borderline social anxiety disorder. This means I would end up following around the least interesting person in the room too scared to talk to anybody, then eventually when I did talk to someone I would lie about my subscriber account to someone to seem cooler than I am and then shortly after that I would end up drinking too much out of nervousness and throwing up in my purse out on a hotel balcony and then spend the rest of the conference tipping people with pukey dollars, spreading disgusting germs around (and yes I AM speaking from experience, I HAVE puked in my purse before- please people wash your hands after holding cash because someone might have puked on it) and then ultimately I will end up drunk, pukey and fawning over someone from MamaPop and try to explain to them why I think Coldplay is a good band, and they will slowly sidle away from me as I ramble on... and then I will run up and hug The Stilleto Mom and tell her how funny I think she is and she will see a. I am overly touchy-feely when I am drunk and b. that I am wearing flip flops with my dress and I will be so embarrassed, and proceed to tell her what an asshat I am, at which point I might just start lobbying all those around me for asshat to be included in the standard English dictionary....

I will wake up and spend the next morning searching for Advil because I will, of course, not have packed any and I will clean out my pukey purse crying that it will never be the same purse again, and oh this is worse than the time I spilled a jumbo sized pop into my purse at the movie theater when I jumped at a scary scene watching the Dark Knight, (oh that is such a good movie).

Oh yeah, and it was BlogHer or Lollapalooza; I couldn't afford both. That might have factored into my choice as well.

So all of you attending.... go, have fun! Socialize with (shudder) strangers. I'll stay here in my house while Mr. Bee is on his Golf weekend and I am home alone with the children and you are all having fun and tweeting about it, and I will curse you all for your #blogher tweets and stare longingly at my computer, wondering if next year I will be rich and brave enough to attend .... No, go have fun. I'll be okay (sniff). Just take my advice: don't puke in your purse... or you'll smell like vomit all weekend.

Words that I want removed from My Lexicon

These words can go:
Snow
Cold
Mushy
Snot
Pediatrician
Infection
Vomit
Boots
Mittens
Medicine
February
Booger
Winter
Cough
Economy
Crisis
Work
Taxes
Alarm Clock
Supervisor
Mess
Diarrhea
Foreclosure
Dow
Cancer
Bills
Bailout
Flu
Cloudy
Must
Should
Guilt
Moist
Hatred
Ma'm
Cruel
Steal
Bigot
"Ewww, thats poop"- I know it's a phrase but Kalei is right, I don't ever want to hear those words.
Period
Mammogram

These words can stay:
Wine
Cheese
Nap
Vacation
Sleep
Summer
Smile
Healthy
Happy
Babysitter
Lollapalooza
Clean
Love
Dance
Music
Laughter
Pillows
Baby
Fondue
Dogs
Sunny
Charity
Hope
Thanks
Keppe
Chocolate
Butter
Books
Blogging
Edward Cullen- Technically 2 words, but I agree with Cammie on this one.


What words do you want removed from your Lexicon? Which would you keep? Let me know in the comments below and I will add my favorites.

House of Vomitous part 2

Remember this? Well, Jacob was sick AGAIN for Christmas Day, vomiting once Christmas Eve night, and then once on Christmas day. (Some seriously disgusting and scary vomitage.) So again, I did not spend Christmas with my husband, and this time I stayed with Drew while Shaun stayed home with Jacob, who proceeded to act like he felt fine the rest of the day. He seems fine today. I am SO not looking forward to Easter, however, family holidays apparently make him sick.

Holy Christmas Mess Batman!

And it's not just one room. Yep, that's the trash can on the counter. We're keeping it classy in the Bee House.
Also, husband got me an Ipod touch. Considering having a wild passionate love affair with it.
Tied for my favorite gift is this. Each page has a different picture made out of a stamp of Jacob's hand and/or foot.... one of my favorite pictures is below.
I'm getting a toothache from the cuteness! Thank thank thank you Childcare!
Also, thank you for all of the Holiday wishes from all my bloggy pals and all of the wonderful presents we recieved from all family members!