Hey you....

....my baby is not grumpy, he did not wake up on the wrong side of the bed,  and he is not shy. He just doesn't like creepy strangers in his face.  Would you want to smile for every stranger that came up and talked right in your personal space?

No, I do NOT want you to hold him. You are a creepy stranger. See above.

I don't need assistance. If I do, I will ask. Looking at me condescendingly will not make me want help either.

I don't mind having all boys. Either way I would be busy!

Getting annoyed with my baby's babbling and expecting me to be able to quiet him down is like getting annoyed with the clouds and wishing them not to rain- I get it, you don't want to hear it, but at this point, I can't control it. If I keep him inside for all of his life until he is old enough to know better, he will probably turn out to be the unibomber's next coming.

Sometimes I don't want to smile and talk about "enjoying right now". I am in the middle of enjoying and you, annoying person, are making me enjoy motherhood less.

Don't tell me I look tired. It's the same as saying "you look like %$^!".

He. He's a HE. You can tell by the colors I dress him in.

I'm shopping for groceries with 3 children and you want me to stop and converse with you? REALLY?!?

Don't ever buy a building a volcano set for a child's birthday. It's just mean, mmkay?

Beginnings, Endings, and In-Between Things

So this week is the last week of school, FINALLY. It seems like the kids were going to be in school forever, or at least that's how they made it sound.

I will have a 2nd grader, a Begindergartner (yes, we are delaying Kindergarten for a year. Jacob has the academic and social skills of a Kindergartner, but his focus and emotional skills need some fine tuning before taking an all day Kindergarten plunge. Luckily Begindergarten is all day. I am so happy that I will get some alone time with the baby... in 3 months.)

Battlestix is still chilling in my belly. I am 37 1/2 wks. I am feeling pressure from everyone to get the babeh out! as to not ruin their entire summer. As if I have a choice! I am so ready. Also: I am not ready at all! I don't want to go through labor, and mostly the aftermath! Wah! What was I thinking? I feel like this is my first baby, I feel nervous like it is. With the second, it had only been 3 years, it's been almost 5 with this one. Wish me happy easy soon labor fairy dust, please.

30 w 6 Days.... Comparison

Mr. B came home last night and had the audacity to comment on how large I've become. Because yes, pregnant women in their third trimester LOVE that! He even said I was bigger than I was with Drew, my 9lb baby. I disagree wholeheartedly, especially since I don't want a 9 lb + baby if I can help it! So here is a comparison shot of me at 32 weeks with Drew, and 30w 6 days with Baby Battlestix. I know it's not a perfect match, but lets see....

32weeks with Drew

Lets just call it 31weeks with Battlestix

Wow, I think it's a pretty close tie- I was hoping it wouldn't be so close. I will try to think Average-sized baby thoughts for Battlestix....

Being Pregnant is FUN- a list and pie chart

Fun things you are NOT allowed to do while Pregnant, according to Pregnancy Message Boards
(My favorites are in purple and the ones I've done anyway are underlined)
1. Eat Sushi
2. Drink alcohol
5. Run (unless of course you were a runner beforehand, but due to my track record of falling while running and lack of consistency I had to give it up.)
6. Walk my dog
7. Listen to loud music
8. Get a pedicure/manicure without making sure the nail polish is pregnancy safe
9. Eat lunch meat
10. Eat Hot dogs
11. Get hair colored/highlighted/dyed
13. Drink soda
14. Drink "Diet" anything
16. Ride Roller Coasters
17. Take hot baths
18. Go in hot tubs
19. Eat soft serve ice cream or Yogurt





Warning: this Pie chart is very scientific, I know because I made it on the Paint portion of my computer.



"Fun" things you are allowed to do while Pregnant
1. Go to the Doctor a LOT
2. Pee in a cup
3. Get weighed a LOT
4. Think about your weight a LOT
5. Eat (although not TOO much, you aren't really eating for two, you heffer!)
6. Read
7. Get your ass stomach kicked from the inside by Damien-like spawn in the belly
8. Have strangers touch your stomach and guess that you are way further along than you are
9. Have strangers touch your stomach and guess that you are not very far along at all and look at you concernedly (okay, that might not be a word)
10.Watch TV
11. Take Pictures of your belly
12. Nap, a lot if you are lucky and can
13. Play poke your cankles
14. Wear a "new" fakey wedding ring when your hands swell up.
15. Read message forums and laugh at all the neurotic first-time Moms
16. Read message forums and get freaked out by all the posts from neurotic first-time Moms
17. Think about Baby Names
18.. Argue with SO about Baby Names
19. Have people ask you what your Baby names are and watch them be frustrated by your refusal to tell them. (Alternately if you tell them you get to hear why that name doesn't work because it was their frenemy's, Dog's, or kooky Uncle's name).
20. Hear every person's horror Birth story.
21. Hear every one's opinions on breastfeeding, cloth-diapering, epidurals.... etc
22. NEST
23. Register
24. Gain weight (but not too much, you heffer, you want it to be ALL belly. Not too little though, don't diet, and if you're a bigger girl, well then even less, because OBVIOUSLY you are really good at controlling your weight, so let's add some pressure!)
25. Cry at EVERYTHING

Christmas blues

After Christmas this year, I looked at Mr. B with tears in my eyes (hormonal ball of blah that I am right now), told him as much as I loved Christmas, I was so glad that it was over.

Glad I was done preparing for Christmas while being bone-numbing tired and simultaneously nauseous.

Tired of doing everything alone while he was working 80 hour weeks.

Christmas Decorations went down on the 27th.  So over it this year.

Not to say it wasn't a wonderful Christmas. The kids had a great Christmas, and I loved spending time with my family.

This year my spirit just wasn't in it like normal. I didn't even get to all the activities I wanted to do with the kids. I can't wait for my energy to be back to normal. I'm still waiting, and it does seem to be getting better, along with the nausea, over the past 2 weeks.

The reason my energy is back up could be that Mr. B has been home helping out. He goes back to work tomorrow, and I'm sure we are back to 80 hour work weeks. It makes me want to cry, if I think about it. So I won't.

Luckily it should slow down for him.... at the end of summer.

On better news, Jacob has been coming up for names for the Baby. I'm trying to keep a running tally. Here are some of them.

Girl Names
Battlebug
Keisha
Flower
Leaf Cruncher

Boy Names
Battlesticks
Football Dance
Christmas tree

In the meantime, I am busy planning a Birthday Party for Drew, who will be 7 at the end of January. Can you believe it? I remember when he answered every question like a little dutch boy.

How about all of you? Are you glad the Holidays are over or are you sad to see them go? I always look at January as the beginning of looking forward to spring. The days only get longer from here!

See, look how I am being positive! I'm sure I can keep it up until the end of summer.... or at least I can try.

Get Away

Today I leave for a much deserved vacation with my sister, away from the family, from the "Hey Mommy" and following-nose-up-my-butt dog, the job concerns, the curriculum and cub scouts and are-we-signing -up-for-enough-things-for-him and do-we-have-enough-childcare-for-other-him worry-- and going to wine tasting and food sampling. Also hopefully some loud-music-blaring-really-bad-singing, eating-lots-of-bread-and-cheese-and-wine good time.
Oh yeah, and a pesky little 5k that I didn't train for. Through vineyards (yay!) that are hilly (boo!)

This is what we will look like after the race and after the third vineyard.

I'm spending time with my sister that I have never spent more than an hour child free with for over 6 years. (No, I am not counting our day after Thanksgiving shopping, because I was without sleep and half-zombie.) We might be sharing a bed. I promised to cut my toenails and wear PJ's, so she is in for a treat.

I am hoping... hoping to forget my worries for 3 days... wish me luck!

Also: Mr. B had a splitting headache today... pretty sure it's from freaking out that I am leaving for 3 days for the first time in 2 years. He went to sleep at 8:30pm last night to cope. He is very stressed out about all the new and different pickups for the kids today- wish him luck too!

"We have everything"

Lately.... it's been tough. There is no way around it. My life is in chaos. I don't know what next year will bring and there isn't even any time to discuss what will happen come October 1st when I will no longer be employed (I think.... I don't even know yet). I have been feeling incredibly stressed.

Today I realized something.

My stress doesn't excuse my temper, anger or actions. I can be a better person.

I don't have to live this life where I am hurting. I can choose to overlook it. I can count my blessings instead of moaning in misery.

The dog is totally crazy.... but he is the sweetest, loving dog.

The kids fight all of the time, but they really do love each other.

Jacob is tough on me, so tough.... but today out of the blue he said "you're the best".

Mr. B works constantly and I miss him so much, but that money will be very helpful soon.

My job is ending, my life is unplanned, but maybe this will lead to something good. Maybe this is what I need.


I want to get back there, get back to being content. Life is hard sometimes, but I think I'm making it harder. I need to feel good about myself, and that might mean letting go.

---

Today on the way home from the Science Museum, I saw a woman on the corner. She was unkempt and sitting on the sidewalk, surrounded by many bags.

"Boys, do you see that woman on the corner?"

"Yes."

"That woman is homeless. She doesn't have a home."

"That's sad," Drew said.

"Yes it is. Just remember that when you can't get something you want, that we are very lucky and have a lot."

---

Sometimes life feels so unfair, and then I realize we have everything. I just have to be willing to accept that it might not be the way I always wanted it, but we are very lucky and we have a lot.

Jumbledness and Old School Jams

So, it's been a crazy February.... sickness, death, life changing decisions being discussed, and now a possible layoff. It's a lot for my poor brain to process. I feel like it is all jumbled and I don't know what my next year looks like now.

Luckily, Mellow Man Ace's "Mentirosa" was on Sirius. That was my jam back in the day. I stole the cassette single from my sister and never gave it back (Sorry Amber)! Take a listen.



There's nothing like an old school jam to take your mind off of your problems for 5 minutes. Of course, then they are back like gangbusters. I have no idea what that last sentence means, but I like it. Happy Friday everyone! Please enjoy your weekend! All I can think is February is almost over, and it has to get better next month, right?

Missing

photo © 2007 rachaelvoorhees | more info (via: Wylio)
I am missing out.

I have been missing writing posts, checking up with friends, and reading blogs. I've been missing it tremendously. Honestly I just don't have any time  or energy to even think up anything witty or clever to say. That makes me sad. My job is kind of sucking the life out of me.

I miss me.

It's been really hard. I can't really find much joy in anything right now. I have a few moments with the family, but I am so all consumed by my job and thoughts of my job, I can't concentrate on anything outside of that right now. I have not been a good Mom. I've barely been an "okay" Mom, and I've been a nonexistent Wife. I've been a selfish Friend. I've been a bitchy Daughter*. Which only means one thing...

I've been an asshat of a Blogger.

I'm sorry, I hate these whiny posts too. I just want people to understand why I've been away. I don't want to be away, but I definitely don't want to be such a damn whiner in every post. So I'm going to try... try and get back to that happy place, at least here. This blog can be my corner of happy. I don't normally need any cheerleaders rooting me on... but if you want to root, it might help.

For now... I will have to come up with my little bit of happy. A reminder:

Sometimes I forget I have a lot to be happy about. Silver lining, right? I'm working on it.

* I will say I have been a good sister, merely for the fact that my sister and I can commiserate together.

The Unawesomeness of Bee-ing

So Drew learned a new word recently- Awesome. He uses it all the time now.

My life, however, is not so awesome right now. It's complicated, messy and infuriating. I'm just trying to stick it out, but I just feel very worn out right now. My puppy and two year old are wearing me thin, and I just can't find a lot of joy or relaxation right now, and therefore anything I write will just be me bitching.

I'm hoping that my first weekend without a family obligation in 2 months will help ground me. I'm crossing my fingers for some awesomeness to fall into my lap and to get out of this funk once and for all. Maybe for Mr. Calamity and his cohort, Louie The Unruly, will cut me a darn break.

I leave you with a little bit of awesome, which is Drew at his swimming class. I thank my lucky stars for this kid, as he is awesome, indeed.

Not Me Monday: Trashy Mom Edition

  

This week was NOT full of me fufilling my white trash aspirations with these actions:

There is NOT a bag of Cheeze-its in our bathroom.

I did NOT yell at Jacob for play humping our puppy.

I did NOT almost yell "Damn straight!" when someone at PetSmart said Louie was the cutest puppy she had every seen.

Cutest puppy? Um, yeah- Damn Straight!

Also, Louie was NOT the most rambunctious puppy in his Puppy training class.

I am soooo NOT dreading the homework for Louie and my five year old Drew this week. (Seriously, homework for a puppy AND my kindgartener? Someone shoot me.)

I have NOT watched over 4 hours of Scooby Doo this weekend; consequently I do NOT have a weird urge to pepper my conversation with "zoinks!", "dangnabit!" and "groovy".

My children were NOT pantsless all Sunday. Nope, they are always properly dressed. I would NEVER be too lazy to dress them and let them get away with undressing themselves and running around.

I did NOT (gasp) watch the season finale of Jersey Shore and then the reunion show that followed it.

I did NOT watch "The Pregnancy Pact" on Lifetime all drunk, and I did NOT kind of enjoy it. I am not the queen of trashy TV lately.

I did NOT swear like a sailor with Tourette's Syndrome all week due to my frustrations (New puppy! Husband working 80 hours! Tough week at work (for me)! Constantly hungry children- seriously about to eat us out of house and home! Crazy two year old! No time to myself for anything- including working out! Too much Scooby Doo!)

Also, I did NOT write a whole blog post about Dwayne Johnson (i.e., The Rock).

What kind of trashy, embarrassing things did you NOT do this week? Let me know in the comments so I can judge commiserate with you!
*This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Unable

I hate these kind of posts, yet here I go with it, the statement I read on so many blogs:

Lately I have been unable to write.

My worrying seems to want to eat me up, and I can't seem to have the happiness here; it's on reserve for my family and friends. It's been tough lately, and I'm not sure why. Maybe the Holiday cheer finally chewed me up and spit me out and now I am just kind of bitter. Tired and bitter. Tired, bitter and grumpy. (Are bitter and grumpy the same thing? Is one mutually exclusive of  the other?)


Sorry for that.

I'm trying to work on getting my mojo back, and get some year end posts done, and work on my New Blog and my giveaway (ends tomorrow- go over there now).

Also, please think good thoughts for my Mom, as she is having surgery on her other rotator cuff on her right arm today and will need physical therapy and months of recovery.

Elmo Emergency Part Two

One of the great things about having a second child is getting to see the differences in your children's personality. Everything about Jacob and Drew is different.... including their taste in toys. Toys that Drew never gave a second glance to, Jacob loves.

This is most evident in Jacob's new favorite toy, Elmo knows your name. Drew got this elmo for his first birthday from his wonderful Aunt Amber, who programmed it for us with Drew's name, likes and dislikes... and so forth. Drew never really got into it, or Elmo for that matter. Flash forward 4 years.... and suddenly this neglected toy is Jacob's favorite toy. The boy can't stop playing with it, which was great, except for one thing.

Elmo kept calling him Drew.


Jacob was okay with Elmo's strange fixation with talking about what Drew likes, and who he loves Elmo told Jacob that Elmo loves Mommy, and Jacob looked at me like I was the coolest person ever, because, gasp, I know Elmo! And Elmo loves me! Elmo also loves Drew, Daddy, Grandma, Mac and Cheese, but no Jacob. In a word, this was just sad. Of course, being the organized Mom that I am, I spent an hour looking for the disc to reprogram Elmo to Love Jacob before I realized I must have tossed it or it was in the depths of the basement. Thankfully, Mattel has a dowload available on their website. I managed to find the USB cable (thank goodness I never throw those away, even though I curse myself whenever I am trying to navigate a drawer full of cords).

Next I had to find a way to sneak Elmo away from Jacob's grasp. I waited until I heard Elmo stop talking in his room. I tiptoed in and grabbed Elmo quickly, and backed away from the crib slowly with him behind my back, praying I would not bump him against something.

That is how much of the silly little post I had typed last night and then....

....I try and download Jacob's name onto Elmo. Instead of working, it makes Elmo malfunction. Apparently this was an issue with this toy that I never encountered because my sister programmed it. Now instead of having a toy Jacob loves that calls him Drew and sings songs to him, Jacob has a silent Elmo doll. This would be fine if he wasn't expecting Elmo to sing and talk to him. Normally, I don't get all bent out of shape over a broken toy, but the way that boy loved and got so much joy out of that toy, well it has made me completely irrational.

The worst part is that there is no compareable replacement, no online help, no patch, no nothing. How can I explain this to a two year old? How does Fisher Price expect people to deal with this? Thanks for leaving me hanging, asshats! It's one thing if he never had the toy, but to have it and love it for a week and then poof, it's gone? Well, it did not go over well tonight when he cried non-stop for Elmo to sing to him and I had to tell him he couldn't, and realize it was my fault and I broke it. Moms are supposed to fix things, not break them.

I don't know if it's stress or not feeling well or plain exhaustion at trying to do a million things at once, but I am getting to be ridiculously stressed out about this mess. Let's not mention the fact that I have spent over 5 hours trying to fix the stupid doll, because it only gives me another reason to cry.

Man, I think I need a Vacation. Even a Staycation would do right now. When Elmo almost sends me over the edge it's time to get away.



Thanks for letting me vent. I needed it. Also, Fisher Price? You are on notice along with Daylight Savings Time. I'm boycotting you for Christmas. So- there- feel the burn of my $39.99.

Screw You, Daylight Savings Time

My 5am this morning...... (in the form of a play script)

Jacob: Wah! Wah! Wah!

Janna: Tosses and turns before finally sighing and getting out of bed. She stumbles on a toy truck, curses under her breath, and stubs her toe on a storage chest in the very dark room. Finally she makes it to Jacob's room. She leans over the crib. What, Jacob?

Jacob: Whine, whine tepeeksjehd,

Janna: Picks up Jacob and holds him. What?

Jacob: Squirms. Whine nbsoohlyehd, whine....

Janna: Jacob, what do you want? You know I don't speak whine!

Meanwhile, Drew's door opens.....c r e a k!

Janna: EVERYONE, it is still night time. Everyone will lay in their beds until I say it is not nighttime any longer. GOODNIGHT.

Drew: Scurries back to his room.

Jacob: Stops squirming. Whine.... hmph.

Janna: Sets Jacob down as gently as possible in his crib in the dark. She runs back to her bedroom, closes the door and hides underneath the covers for another hour, until the alarm goes off.

THE END
~~~~~~~~~~

Just so you know, daylight savings time? You are on notice for that hour.

Swine Flu for Me and You? Well no, not you, Drew

Yesterday I was embroiled in controversy. Well, this definitely is may be an overstatement. My four year old son, Drew got his H1N1 vaccination, or as some would say, we protected him against the Swine flu. (Hopefully the pork council won't hunt me down for calling it that.)

After much careful deliberation (reading what little information I could find on the Internet about the vaccine), I asked my co-worker what she would do if she were me. My co-worker always has advice for me, and it usually is great advice being as her previous job involved working with children in a social worker-type- role, even if the advice is mostly unsolicited. Yes, after all the information I read, I based my decision to get Drew's shot based on my co-worker's feelings, because I felt so mushy and turned around I wasn't sure what to do, and after reading about the shortage of seasonal flu vaccines all around our city, I felt he definitely needed some protection, like NOW.

I rushed out of work to go pick up Drew and hurried him to the Middle School where they were having the clinic. Pulling in, I noticed two cop cars, and policeman patrolling the entrance to the parking lot, where I had to talk to a volunteer, who told me to "park anywhere". Wow, her job was necessary.

We parked, and Drew started to saunter towards the line. "No, Drew-bear, let's walk extra fast- can you do it?" Being the total asshat I am, I sped walked my way in front of a few people who were taking their time walking up to the line that stretched out past the courtyard and spilled out onto the sidewalk by the parking lot. In my defense, I had to urinate this whole time.

As we were waiting in line, policeman patrolled the area. I'm not sure if they thought people were going to start freaking out and frothing at the mouth, like in zombie movies. I mean, for god's sakes, it's just children in stroller and parents. There were large signs all over courtyard that if you had flu symptoms (Fever and cough/or sore throat) you could not come into the facility. Loud speakers announced this as well and could be heard throuought the courtyard. It felt like we were waiting in line for the worst Disney World ride ever. Immediately I felt the need to cough, and was worried that the policemen would come over and take me out of line for coughing in which case I would have to drop to the ground and scream "My baby! My baby needs this shot, please, officer you have to help me!" (Or not.) The whole scene was like something out of a Roland Emmerich movie. I felt all valiant that I was saving my son, even if I wasn't going to make it, at least for a second, and then I remembered I was in real life, and real life is not as exciting or dangerous.

We were finally allowed to enter the school after a quick screening of Drew's eligibility (thank goodness Drew is tiny, I thought, and no questions about his age), and I had to sit and speak with another volunteer about when Drew's last flu shot was (hadn't had one yet) and so they told me he could get the flu mist). Of course I had a million questions for her, which she didn't want to answer or didn't know.

Next, we waited in another line. Drew started to whine, a four year can only be patient for so long! I told him he could play with my Ipod, then realized it was in my car. Then I told him he could have a piece of gum, which was dirty, so I had to take that away as well. Then I promised him candy corn at home. That satisfied him. Bribery, my favorite parenting skill.

Drew and I entered the cafeteria, i.e., crying central, and two shoots up the nose later, and no tears (!) we were finished. It took about an hour, and when we left the building, there was no line- it just figures, right?

We went back to school to pick up Jacob, you know, my unprotected son. Unprotected against the swine flu, but protected against seasonal flu. This way they can't cross-contaminate each other or something.

Once we arrived home, I was so happy to see our bathroom. Near tears, myself actually. THE END.

Conclusion?

The thing that bothers me most about this vaccination and the clinics is the lack of information out there about these clinics, and the weird rules that are spelled out and not spelled out for everyone. Drew is 4, but he will be 5 in January. Are they trying to tell me that because of these 3 months he is high risk and should not be turned away, unlike the 5 year old boy I saw turned away yesterday?

Also, there needs to be more information on H1N1 Flu mist vs. H1N1 Flu shot. My two year son, Jacob received the seasonal flu mist, so now he is not eligible to get the H1N1 shot for another month. Drew received the Flu Mist for H1N1, but he can get a flu Shot, just not the seasonal flu mist. What?!? I am also not excited about the fact that the flu mist contains a live virus, vs. the flu shot which contains the dead virus. Again, my information on this topic is all internet hearsay, so I have no idea of knowing what this means.

We cannot forget about the fact that Drew will need a second shot, also, which Drew have to wait ANOTHER month for, that is, if that shot becomes available, and the people I talked to at this clinic don't think it will. Don't worry, though, the one shot is "better than nothing" I was told. I understand that this is a new virus, and we are learning as we go (scary thought) but there really should be a collective way we are receiving and understanding the different shots, how they react with one another, and the location of any and all local clinics.

PS Thank you to all of the volunteers. For all my joking, everything ran very smoothly and all the volunteers were wonderful, and very friendly.


PSS Drew is doing absolutely fine today.

A Question that you should never, EVER ask a woman

I've been trying to write this beginning paragraph for a while, trying to tie it all together. I can't tie it all together. Mentally I am all over the place. Let me tell you what happened, you can tell me what you think, and then we can all move on. All I can do is preface this with is this statement:

There are a lot of insensitive assholes out there and, believe it or not, many of these assholes are women.

Okay, now let's begin.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To celebrate my son Drew's first day of Kindergarten, we decided to go to a new restaurant last night. I was excited because it meant no cooking, and that is always a plus in my eyes.

While at dinner, Drew felt the need to go potty three times, mainly to see the urinals. Apparently they were very exciting because they extended down to the ground. Apparently, for a four year old, this is awesome. Actually, it must just be a guy thing, because Mr. Bee seemed pretty psyched about it as well. I can't muster such enthusiasm for bathrooms, but I am glad the little things in life make them so happy. Anyway, the third time he wanted to go, we told him he had to go with me to the bathroom. He agreed.

As we were washing his hands in the bathroom, I heard a voice say my name. It was an acquaintance of my Mom's, not one of my favorites. Great, I thought.

"Hi!" I say with fake enthusiasm.

"Your son is beautiful!" She says. "Is your Mom here?"

Like I travel with my Mom all of the time.

"No, I'm here with my husband." Duh.

Drew looks at her and says "I'm Drew ____." Maybe we need to teach him about talking to strangers?

She introduces herself to him, asks his age, and then looks at me with a straight face and says...

"When are you due?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let me tell you- this has happened to me before. I am skinny legs and arms, all belly and boobs. Ever since I had kids, I am even more belly and boobs. When I worked at a Children's clothing shop, I was asked this quite a bit. Someone even asked me if I knew what I was having- when I wasn't pregnant. Like I was 5 months along and knew the sex of the imaginary fat-baby. Mortifying. Terrible. Yet, it hadn't happened to me in 3 years. Still, I know, you are mortified for me, right? You are. Well, believe it or not, it only gets worse from here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm not pregnant." I look at her blankly. What I should have said was "I am fat, not pregnant, thanks for pointing it out."

"Oh, you've still got your belly," she says, and touches my stomach.

What

the

f**k.

It was all I could do not to slap this woman. When in the hell is it okay to touch another person's body and comment that it is large? I am already self conscious enough about my body already. I don't need someone I barely know poking at my problem areas. How does she not know, as a woman, that this act is invading my personal space and making me uncomfortable?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, it's not over yet- it gets worse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Drew, suddenly Mr. Chatterbox with this horrible woman (and no one else), says "We have a baby, his name is Jacob."

A look of understanding goes across her eyes. "Oh, you just had a baby! I see."

"No," I say. You don't see, if you could see, you would see how uncomfortable you are making me. "My other son, Jacob, is two." I can feel my face reddening now.

"Oh, well he's still young." I recognize at this point that she has no social graces and has no idea what she has done.

"Um, okay," I say, probably visibly perturbed at this point. Drew (and the woman) don't notice and he keeps chattering on.

"I have a Daddy, and a Nana and a Papa and I go to school and...."

"Nice to see you." She says. "Tell your Mom I said hi."

"Okay," I stretch my mouth wide enough to maybe be considered a smile. Obviously it is not.

Seriously, why do people think that it is okay to comment on a woman's shape? If a man has a little belly, no one notices or cares, it's seen as normal, but because I am not in swimsuit shape after having two children and working full time, we must discuss it? It's not like I said to her, oh when is the face lift? Oh my, you are still ugly, and then touched her face (I could have, she is not attractive). I would never comment on someone's imperfections like that.

The sad part about this is that most men know not to ask about a woman's pregnancy or comment on her body, yet women do this to each other all of the time.

When I called my Mom to complain, she laughed about it, and said that I knew she had no tact. Yes, but it still is not a laughing matter that people think I look pregnant, that I am not pregnant, and yet I still have this gut that no amount of dieting or exercising seems to want to diminish. I shouldn't have to feel this way, and for God's sake, I shouldn't have to worry about people asking me if I am pregnant.

I am so depressed. Well, disheartened is more like it. I am feeling so worn down by all of it, life, work, family, and this was the last thing I needed to be worried about.

So last night I let Jillian Michaels kick my ass for an hour. My diet starts today, and I just bought a yummie tummie tank top that I was eyeing yesterday. I got my answer last night on if the exorbitant price is worth it; it is.

So, , for future reference-

This is what I look like when I am pregnant.

This is what I look like when I am not.

Please pass this along to your friends.

Fall is Overrated

Ahhh Fall.... the cool crisp air, apple cider, pumpkin carving, Halloween... what is there not to love?

Plenty. Look, people, I like Fall, but people always romanticize the season. Really, one forgets sometimes how much there is to hate in the Fall. In fact, @Carmasez* and I got into a negativathon last night, bashing fall on twitter. (I totally started it, I will admit.) We came up with some great hate and it inspired me to write the post I had been kicking around in my head for a week. Here are my reasons why Fall is overrated.

THE RETURN OF THE STUDENTS

I live near Michigan State University, which is one of the largest campuses anywhere. Over 20,000 students fluctuate back into our little town and congest our stores, our roads and our restaurants in the fall. I hear you saying "oh, it's good for your economy". Economy schconomy. I don't give a crap when I need to go buy emergency diapers, diaper rash cream and wipes due to a sudden outbreak of stomach flu in the Bee house (look I didn't even mention poop, oh wait...) and have to wait behind a gaggle of tanorexic, rail thin college freshman who are wearing pajamas as they have just decided to get out of bed and go to the store at 4pm. I mean I have only been up for 9 hours longer than them, I don't want to hear how they are tired and hungover they are, and who hooked up with whom. Maybe I should bump them with my cart and yell "make sure to use birth control or you could end up with a cart full of this", and then they'll run away from me, (because I'm crazy) making me next in line.

HALLOWEEN

I know what you are thinking... but Janna, I love Halloween. Well, I don't, I'll tell you why... Candy. In fact out of the words of @Carmasez "[the] glut of Halloween candy that lasts forever and I usually end up finishing since I have no control". Don't even tell me it's not true for you, it's true for everyone, and especially for those with children, because none of us really want our kids to have that much candy. So in my mind, I cannot waste, and the majority goes into my stomach. (This same theory applied the first time I drank with my best friend in High School. I thought she had too much to drink, but I didn't want to throw away the vodka, so instead I drank more to combat her drinking. Yeah, genius move, I know. Guess who ended up hugging the porcelain goddess I now call a potty? I'll give you a hint- it wasn't my friend. But I am totally, ridiculously digressing and talking about puke AGAIN.)

Also- seriously women, we set women's lib back decades each Halloween with our choices in slutty costumes. I am not one to talk, I've done it too, but the older I get, the more annoyed I get when I see it. It is never warm on Halloween, and yet, there you are, tanorexic, wraith-like, well-rested, long-haired freshman girl, parading around in lingerie and pretending it's a COSTUME. Then, if I get a costume, I feel the need to look pretty, not slutty, not gruesome, but inventive. I ALWAYS fail. always. Then I end up wearing cat ears and whiskers and a skirt, and pretending it's a costume, and feeling much more confident that I am better than you scantily clad women, because at least I am wearing clothes, if not so much a costume.

THE WEATHER

I know many people like "brisk fall air" but have you ever felt what "brisk fall air" feels like at 6am? It feels like fricking Winter air for God's sake. Then I have to get my kids ready and prepared in clothes that can withstand a 20-30 degree temperature shift. Plus @Carmasez lists "scaly skin" as a reason to hate Fall. I am with her. It's NOT pretty.

THE PLETHORA OF FALL FOLIAGE

Yeah, it's pretty... and then it falls. Then Mr. Bee and I spend a WHOLE weekend cleaning up. All weekend, no exaggeration.

You know you want a piece of this sweet Fall action.

FREAKIN' FOOTBALL
For many, the word is enough said. Still, there are parts I like, but that's not what I am talking about today, is it?

First of all tailgating. I hate it. You are telling me I should wake up at 7am, get all bundled up, spend 20 minutes packing up the car, drive 2 miles, unpack the car, set up folding chairs and all the food and drink I prepared the night before so that I can sit/stand around and drink in the frigid cold? Why don't I just crack open a beer on my deck? Oh, that's right, because then I would be known as an ALCOHOLIC who drinks in the morning. Don't forget you must drink a lot to stay warm, and then you have to pee all of the time, and wait in line to use a port 'o potty, and unbundle your ten pairs of pants in the portable john. Did I mention you are then drunk at 10am? Talk about ruining a Saturday!

I can tell you what I am thinking in this pic. I am thinking, "why am I up so early on a Saturday?"

Don't forget about what @Carmasez calls "Football Widowhood". There is never get a break from football in the fall because it's on all of the time, and then Mr. Bee has to go to the game and tailgate and I'm stuck with the kids or I bring them to the tailgate and am miserable the whole time, chasing them around. Then Mr. Bee gets dropped off at home and he's hungover and miserable and he's ruined his Saturday. I can't forget all the time needed for Mr. Bee to work on his Fantasy Football team. Ugh, Fantasy Football. It's fun for the first two weeks, and then I have to feign interest in my team because I am so over it by then, but it makes Mr. Bee happy to compete, so I do it anyway, and then all the guys are pissed when I win the league again (because there is an inverse correlation between how much you care about your team and how well you do in your Fantasy League).

FOOD FEST

Yeah, I know, it tastes good. With Halloween, Thanksgiving and Cider Mill visits, when in the heck am I supposed to diet?

THE ADDITION OF CLOTHES

With Fall comes the end of flip-flops and the beginning of socks, boots, coats mittens, hats... all which have to be put on my children too. Try putting a 4 year old's hands in gloves, it is a lesson in patience and perseverance. Plus, it also means @Carmasez says, having to break out the granny sweaters. (Apparently she has seen my closet.)

Let's look at the really big picture here, why the coming of Fall disturbs me so much: Fall means Summer is over, and for us Michiganians it means we are just a few short weeks until Winterville USA. I might dislike Fall sometimes, but I LOATHE Winter.

*I was told to put her quotes in boldface and large font. I follow the rules you see! Are you following her yet? Go follow @Carmasez and tell her Janna sent ya. (She didn't ask me to say that, either.)

Now it's your your turn. What do you dislike about Fall?

On the Run

Yep, those are our shoes. Mine are the second from the left. If you didn't notice, I have almost the same size shoes as Mr. Bee. Size eleven, or on good days, ten. Let the "bigfoot" jokes commence (and just wait until I take a picture of my hands)!


Also notice: my shoes are falling apart. From overuse. I have been working out a lot. A lot of people have said recently how great I look, how I look like I have lost weight. I haven't lost any, not even a pound, since my 6 pound weight loss. It's very frustrating. Of course, I know, muscle weighs more than fat, still I know that the calories I am burning compared to what I am eating should mean I would lose some weight, right? Anyway, for now I am done with South Beach and trying just to have a healthy diet and I am focusing on working out instead.

Even though my shoes are falling apart, the expense of new shoes is not something we can truly afford, as we should be living on essentials and saving money because Mr. Bee has been laid off one week, and will be laid off for another week sometime this summer. There aren't any words on how I feel about this. I find it so disheartening that we struggling so hard and yet getting nowhere. It feels like we are swimming and just barely keeping our heard above the surface, and just when I think we will break free and make it to land, someone puts another weight or burden on us.




Nobody told me being an adult was this hard.




I am glad I never wished away my childhood, like others did. I loved being a kid. In fact on that note, we are celebrating my birthday present this Saturday and going to Cedar Point, just Mr. Bee and me. I know what you are saying- but you can't afford new shoes, why are you going to Cedar Point?


Because sometimes it's important to be a kid again, even for a day. Even if it means you run in janky size eleven shoes.


On a happier note, I got to meet a new little guy, Aiden. He's adorable and smells like baby and coos. It's enough to make me want another baby myself... that is until I get a call from childcare telling me that Mr. Calamity bit another toddler.

Insert cute picture that makes you love Mr. Calamity again.

There, that's better.

PS Still can't wait to meet the other new little guy, Beck. (What's with everyone having boys?)

PSS Thank you to all of you who have been sticking with and reading me even in my funks. I have been very busy and I promise to get back to all soon. I think I should feel pretty refreshed by Sunday. Let's hope, right?

Words that I want removed from My Lexicon

These words can go:
Snow
Cold
Mushy
Snot
Pediatrician
Infection
Vomit
Boots
Mittens
Medicine
February
Booger
Winter
Cough
Economy
Crisis
Work
Taxes
Alarm Clock
Supervisor
Mess
Diarrhea
Foreclosure
Dow
Cancer
Bills
Bailout
Flu
Cloudy
Must
Should
Guilt
Moist
Hatred
Ma'm
Cruel
Steal
Bigot
"Ewww, thats poop"- I know it's a phrase but Kalei is right, I don't ever want to hear those words.
Period
Mammogram

These words can stay:
Wine
Cheese
Nap
Vacation
Sleep
Summer
Smile
Healthy
Happy
Babysitter
Lollapalooza
Clean
Love
Dance
Music
Laughter
Pillows
Baby
Fondue
Dogs
Sunny
Charity
Hope
Thanks
Keppe
Chocolate
Butter
Books
Blogging
Edward Cullen- Technically 2 words, but I agree with Cammie on this one.


What words do you want removed from your Lexicon? Which would you keep? Let me know in the comments below and I will add my favorites.

Networked out!

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by all the various social networking outlets? I do. I have 4 email addresses. Yep, that's right. I have an AOL, Gmail, Work, and Yahoo (for fantasy football, I never use it otherwise) email accounts. I am registered on Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, Friendster (what? I know, I forgot it even existed to got an email about it, on my AOL account of course) and the other day, when googling my name, I saw that I had registered for Bebo. WTF is Bebo? I feel a little out of control with all the possibilities of ways to contact people.

The ones of these I actually check regularly are Facebook and Twitter. I used to love MySpace , now it seems out of date and clunky, like if I were using a cell phone with no Internet capability. Facebook seems like much more fun, not quite as garish looking (I'm all about simplicity these days, I need it somewhere!) plus it is the perfect spying tool. I love telling the Internet phobic Mr. Bee all about what his friends are up to, before he knows. Then when he complains, I tell him I will set up his facebook account. He quickly shuts up and walks. slowly. away. from the Devil Box.

Even so, there are 10 things that OMG I EFFING HATE about Facebook. Here they are in no particular order. Please don't be offended either, because I have done all of these things to someone at some point. It's the nature of the beast, right?

1.Okay, I do NOT want another plant for my (Lil) Green Patch. I don't want it, and I don't want to save the rain forest by taking part in this scam application. Don't keep sending them to me so that you can get the one that somebody else sent you! For the record I hate the rain forest, I want to see it burn.*

2. Consequently... (Lil) Blue Cove? You are like (Lil) Green Patch's annoying kid sister... "Look, I save the rain forest too! Add me! Add me!" GO AWAY!

3. Also, um, Facebook? If I wanted to be friends with this person, I would friend them. Stop suggesting them! Some of these people you are suggesting, well they made my life a living hell in High School we didn't get along growing up and I don't want to have to look at their ugly mug face every day.

4. Please don't tag me in photos where I am drunk, look stupid or have 80's hair. If I do it to myself, fine, but I can't be surprised by it one day when opening my account.


However, if you have pictures of me in overalls, please post. I miss them terribly!

5. If you ignored me we didn't talk in High School, I don't want to be your Facebook friend now! Too little too late, my wannabe friend. (Conversely, if we have never talked in real life and I read your blog and/or vice versa, then yeah, I'll be your friend.)

6. People that converse in secret code on Facebook walls. It wastes my time because I always am trying to crack it. Seriously guys, that is what your inbox is for.

7. Relationship tabs. This could get really awkward. I have seen it firsthand.

8. People that voice ugly political opinions in their status. I mean fine, if you want to put it in your info tab, but I don't need to see that shit every time I open teh FB. It's called twitter... meet up with some pals of your political persuasion and spout away!

9. The Pack Rat Application. Damn you Packrat, you wasted hours and hours of my time making me collect cards. I even added strangers to my Facebook account so that I could collect more cards! You are like a cult that tried to brainwash me, but I escaped, haha!

10. Barack Obama updates. TOO MANY! Cannot deal... must erase.....

Why am I going on and on about this? Well Facebook has a new application for blogs called Networked blogs, and you need 10 readers to claim your blog. I am short by two. Please go say you read me. I want to claim my blog.

What are your biggest pet peeves about Facebook (or any of the above mentioned social networking sites)? Leave it in the comments!

Thanks!


PS I hate blatant self promotion too, I am so ashamed, but "I ain't too proud to beg".
PPS Sorry about the "ain't too proud to beg" reference. Got a little confused by the overalls, thought it was 1992.




*Don't get riled up. I heart the rain forest. I hate the application that lies about saving it is all.