On Running

Okay, so I am an asshat. I have not meant to be away or worry anyone. I just have no time anymore. In fact, I'm wondering how I ever had time for a blog ever, with how filled my life has been. In fact, I think I said this last time, which makes me even more of an asshat. (Is such a thing possible?) I'm sorry for all of the wonderful comments I missed (seriously, I don't deserve you guys, but I am working on responding).

Here's my update: Drew is doing well, we have talked to his teachers and they are keeping a close eye on the situation. Obviously we are still concerned, but things seem better so far. Mr. B now has 3 shifts at his work which means working considerably less. It started this week, so fingers crossed. Mr. Calamity is spending most of his days on our special, new TO bench, or marching like a dinosaur... and Louie is recovering nicely from his surgery that we got him so "he doesn't go make little baby Louies", as I told the children, or as Mr. B told Drew, "the surgery that removed his balls". (He cuts to the chase more than I ever could.)

What have I been doing? Why training for a 5k. Fun times.

I have found training for a 5k to be very time consuming. Especially when you are a terrible runner like I am. If you could call what I do "running". It's more like "walking with a bounce". This is usually how the run goes....

0:00-2:00 Warm up. Oh, this will be fun. I am excited to burn some calories.

2:00-4:30 Oh, I have so much energy. This is great!

5:30-7:30 Side cramp, must fast walk.

10:00-15:00 Back on track- doing great- hey wait, am I really tired from "running" a 12 minute mile?

15:00- 17:00 SHINS ON FIRE.

18:00-20:00 Really, I'm fast walking again? Must find annoying fast song on Ipod. Okay, That'll do Britney Spears, that'll do.

20:00-25:00 Okay I might die now. Must keep going... shins and side now working together in an effort to make me stop.

25:00-29:30 A "can't breathe" slowdown, accompanied by "Must do" second wind.

29:30-32:00 Almost done- kind of? I really hate these mirrors alongside me at the gym. I am a sweaty tomato.

32:00 Ha! Person on treadmill stopped. I am stronger than them. Give gloaty look to senior citizen as she walks by.

32:00-38:00 Push to make my "best- worst" time at 5k (i.e. The time I need to get to not berate myself.)

38:00-40:00 Cool down. Thank god that's over. Wait, I have to do it again tomorrow?

I will definitely update you all when I finally do the 5k in a week and a half. Yup. I'm TOTALLY freaked. Then you can see some pictures of a red tomato "walking with a bounce".

Our Dinner Disaster: A What Not-to-do Guide featuring Mr. Calamity's return

Soooo, we knew it was a bad sign when both kids were whiny tonight.

Yet, we decided to try out the new Coney Island by our house.

To call this a big mistake would be like saying that Lady Gaga is strange. It's true, yet it doesn't cover the magnitude of this statement. It was terrifying. I think it's safe to say that Jacob's alter ego, Mr. Calamity, was back in full force tonight. Here is a recap, complete with all of the mistakes we made going out to dinner with our little Bees tonight.

First mistake: The hostess said to sit down wherever we wanted, so we decided to sit on the bench seats. Immediately when we sat down we knew this was a mistake. Drew jumped all over the bench seats, laying his head on the seat, and began exclaiming loudly when he saw any cars out the window across the restaurant. It was if he had eaten Mexican jumping beans, he could not sit still. He needed more structured seating, obviously. He was the least of my worries, however....

Second mistake: We let the kids pick out their drinks. Jacob ordered juice. He is notoriously obsessed with juice, and the juice we drink at home is barely juice it's so watered down. This was concentrated juice, 100% pure liquid gold juice, and to Jacob it was like crack. He drank all of his juice in the first ten minutes we were there, with Mr. B had to holding the cup for him the entire time because he doesn't understand how to drink out of a straw. (Jacob, not Mr. B, otherwise that would be another post entirely.)

Third mistake: Ordering pancakes for the little Bees. When the boy's pancake dinner finally came, Drew wanted to butter and cut his pancake. Well, I thought, that's fine, it's a butter knife, and Drew's four, I can supervise while he does this. The problem was that now because of Drew getting to butter and cut his own, Jacob wanted to do the same. Of course he needed help doing this and he screamed every time we tried to help him. Then he didn't want to eat any of his food, and started crying because he wanted to cover the butter packet, which in turn made him sad and start to cry when I covered the butter because he wanted the butter packet uncovered. If I didn't know better I would think Jacob was a trained child actor and we were on Candid Camera, he was being so out of control and ridiculous. He began to wail/cry in bursts of two intervals, like a siren.

At this point I picked him up sans jacket and dragged him outside, and we went until a Christmas decorations store, a beautiful store filled with baubles and lights and wreaths. He asked to be set down to walk through the store. I told him HELLS TO THE NO, or some child-friendly equivalent. We went back to the restaurant and he managed to eat one piece of pancake before throwing another fit. We decided to hell with eating and went to pay the bill. Once he was out of his highchair, Jacob wanted to be set down. Not wanting to cause ANOTHER scene, I relented. This would be mistake number four. Jacob, of course, started running through the restaurant.

When I tried to pick him up he started his limp body routine (you know what I am talking about), and screamed again. The older couples gave me a nasty look as I picked him up by his armpits (thereby exposing his whole belly to them) to drag him out of the restaurant again. I came very close to flipping their snooty asses off. It would complete our total white trash domination of the restaurant.

We sat in the car and Jacob wailed while we waited for Mr. B and Drew to pay the bill, wash their hands and put on their coats. This took an extraordinary amount of time. At least that's the way I felt with my screaming banshee in the car with me.

Now I am home, and I wondering, did I actually eat? Did I enjoy the food? Did Mr. B finish his meal? I don't know or remember.

I know I do remember where the Vodka is though, and really, knowing this is half the battle.

Toodles!

The Truth about the "Terrible Twos"

I don't believe in the phrase "the terrible twos"; it's a misnomer for many reasons. I think that a three year old is actually more challenging than a two year old. I also think that four is an easy age. I know that all of this is subjective depending on your child. There obviously is no magic number that correlates with bad behavior or terribleness.

That being said, my two year old Jacob is a wild maniac, a naked, running, yelling banshee. To say that he is "challenging" is to say that winters in Michigan are "a bit nippy"; it's a polite way of saying "he is making me losing my fucking mind". (I think I used the quotations correctly there, if not, cut me some slack, I'm hanging on by a thread here people!)

Don't get me wrong, the child is a laugh a minute jokester with a penchant for big hugs and laughs. It's just he is also a bully, a tyrant, and our own little Tazmanian Devil.

Saturday he went napless for the first time ever and it sent me into such a tizzy that I had to walk away for a minute from Jacob to compose myself. I have quite a temper, and yet I've always had a soft spot for our little Jakey. This is not the case anymore. He went with his brother to spend the night at my parent's house on Saturday, and the report from the trenchs at Casa de Nana was that he was "a wild man". (Tell me something I don't know.) Needless to say we felt for my parents but we were very grateful for the Jakey-free night.

I think most of the problem with Terrible Twos is the fact that discipline is so difficult. A two year old is no longer a baby anymore and shouldn't be coddled like one, but in the same sense, bargaining and reasoning with a two year old is a nearly impossible task. He thinks the word NO is funny, and yet doesn't listen when I try to explain things to him. I thought I would have some insight after going through this before with Drew, but with how different their personalities are none of the same rules apply. He is so much crazier than Drew was, and way less emotional. I offered to keep Jakey in Time Out until he was eighteen. Mr. Bee and I laughed about this, but the idea is still being tossed around.

I'm told that is all a phase, and I will look back and laugh. If this is true, then why do I still shudder when I think about Drew as a three year old? Seriously people, I am still traumatized. I mean, reading this old post gave me chills.

Of course, each day is a new hope that he will be a little more understanding, in the meantime, Mr. Bee and I are learning new ways to keep composure and patience.

That Jacob is a whirlwind. At least it's never boring around here.

Not Me Monday! Woodchucks, Vampires, Tantrums, Golf, Etc. Edition!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
I was totally NOT behind in my blog reading this week, and did not realize it's "Not my child Monday!" Oops... well enjoy anyway!

Mr. Calamity was not a miserable, crying wreck all week due to a little cold. He was NOT so annoying that I could hardly stand his presence. I did NOT take a picture of one of his tantrums because I thought it was funny.

This week we also caught another woodchuck and raccoon and delivered them to the nature sanctuary in one piece. This brings our total catch and release up to 4 raccoons, 3 possums, and 11 woodchucks, including a Mom and 8 babies. Even though my husband wants to get rid of them in an inhumane way at this point, I have talked him down from this... however.... I did NOT tell him to go out and just kill the %*#&$!! squirrels that were fighting in our yard at 4am on Thursday.

The children totally impressed me when they slept until 8:30 and 9am this weekend. I was very happy about getting to sleep in, and I did NOT get greedy and consequently want more sleep. (On a side note, my husband let me sleep in until 11:30am on Sunday. I am sure him letting me do this had NOTHING to do with deserting me for a Golf Weekend next week.)

This week we also finished Season One of True Blood. I am trying to avoid spoilers for the second season and I am totally NOT jealous of you HBO subscribers who are watching it now. (You spoiled brats with your fancy "premium" cable... okay I am done, and um... half kidding...)

What are some of your "Not Me!"'s this week?

On the Run

Yep, those are our shoes. Mine are the second from the left. If you didn't notice, I have almost the same size shoes as Mr. Bee. Size eleven, or on good days, ten. Let the "bigfoot" jokes commence (and just wait until I take a picture of my hands)!


Also notice: my shoes are falling apart. From overuse. I have been working out a lot. A lot of people have said recently how great I look, how I look like I have lost weight. I haven't lost any, not even a pound, since my 6 pound weight loss. It's very frustrating. Of course, I know, muscle weighs more than fat, still I know that the calories I am burning compared to what I am eating should mean I would lose some weight, right? Anyway, for now I am done with South Beach and trying just to have a healthy diet and I am focusing on working out instead.

Even though my shoes are falling apart, the expense of new shoes is not something we can truly afford, as we should be living on essentials and saving money because Mr. Bee has been laid off one week, and will be laid off for another week sometime this summer. There aren't any words on how I feel about this. I find it so disheartening that we struggling so hard and yet getting nowhere. It feels like we are swimming and just barely keeping our heard above the surface, and just when I think we will break free and make it to land, someone puts another weight or burden on us.




Nobody told me being an adult was this hard.




I am glad I never wished away my childhood, like others did. I loved being a kid. In fact on that note, we are celebrating my birthday present this Saturday and going to Cedar Point, just Mr. Bee and me. I know what you are saying- but you can't afford new shoes, why are you going to Cedar Point?


Because sometimes it's important to be a kid again, even for a day. Even if it means you run in janky size eleven shoes.


On a happier note, I got to meet a new little guy, Aiden. He's adorable and smells like baby and coos. It's enough to make me want another baby myself... that is until I get a call from childcare telling me that Mr. Calamity bit another toddler.

Insert cute picture that makes you love Mr. Calamity again.

There, that's better.

PS Still can't wait to meet the other new little guy, Beck. (What's with everyone having boys?)

PSS Thank you to all of you who have been sticking with and reading me even in my funks. I have been very busy and I promise to get back to all soon. I think I should feel pretty refreshed by Sunday. Let's hope, right?

Graduation, Worms and Mr. Calamity's return: A Bee Update

Okay, I know... third week in a row I have missed Friday Favorites. In my defense, I have been super busy.

First of all, my big boy Drew graduated from PreK into Kindergarten. I know some of you are saying- wait he's too young to be in Kindergarten. Well, yes, but his childcare moved him up so he could be with his friends, also the curriculum for Kindergarten is more focused, and the class size is smaller, so these are all win-win. He will go to Kindergarten at his childcare and then the next year in public school. (Wherein I will jump for joy with all of the extra money we will have, because we will not be paying for childcare for two... oh god the day in which that burden is off of us will be a wonderful, bittersweet day indeed.)

I thought I would cry, and I didn't. Well, I did tear up a little, but I was so annoyed with Jacob being obnoxious that it distracted me from the moment. We did catch it on tape though, so I am glad. He was the first one to receive his diploma, and he did so well, going out in front of everyone. I was so proud to call him my son.

My little Graduate.

This is our fourth picture ever taken together as a family, and I insisted upon it!
Preplanning his graduation!

Secondly, we have been working on getting a garden going, and cleaning up our yard. The plants were growing really well in their little pods until we transported them to the big garden. Now I am not sure they will make it. But maybe we will get one or two crops from our efforts.

Just dirt right now!
Apparently Jacob is going to sweep up that dirt!

Worms for one, worms for all!

Thirdly, I am training (ha- that makes it sound like I have an actual plan!) to run a 5K with my sister at the end of September. So far I have run without stopping almost a mile. It feels like I am dying when I run though, so I am hoping it will get easier???

Fourthly (fourthly? is that even a real word?) work has been insane, doing busy work that I HATE. It literally gave me heartburn on Friday. I felt like throw up was in my mouth, planning for the training I despise most. On Wednesday I will feel better because it will be over for (hopefully) the year.

Fifthly (hmmm... really pushing it) my little Mr. Calamity is driving me CRAZY. We hit the terrible twos early. We can't go anywhere without him being a little shit and crying and carrying on. Good thing he is so darn cute.

Ahh... child why are you so cute? Why do you torment us so??

So that is our update... I promise I will be back soon with more excitement.