December 10, 2008

Now Here is Where I get Sappy

When Drew was born, I did not have an epiphany. I didn't cry. I just felt relieved to be done. I remember looking at Drew, thinking, wow, who is this little alien? He's big. No wonder I was so uncomfortable! Not that I didn't love him immediately, because I did. I just didn't really understand it. I thought before I had children that feelings could be put in a little box and taken out as needed. Once Drew was born that concept completely changed for me. My love was uncontrollable.

Drew had very bad jaundice and was under bilirubin lights for the first five days of his life, while they thought he had Glucose-6-phosphate dehydrogenate deficiency (G6-Pd) (he did not) and told me he “would probably be able to live a normal life”. I was not allowed to take him out from under the lights except for short feedings and diaper changes. (This was the longest five days of my life ever. I don't think I even need to really state this fact, I think it goes without saying, yet I am telling you, it was excruciating.) When we came home is when I started to really feel a connection, a strong feeling of love and maternal gratitude. I would cradle him in my arms in those first postpartum weeks and cry because I loved him so much. I now had someone so fragile to worry about for the rest of my life and it was so frighteningly overwhelming and wonderful at the same time.

Jacob was different. We bonded immediately. I looked at that little fragile face and knew what to do. I didn't doubt my instincts or my love or feel he was alien. The moment I saw Jacob, I felt that rush of love, and immediately was concerned “He's cold, he needs to be covered up”. The maternal instincts kicked in seconds after his birth. I wasn't scared or nervous like I was with Drew. I knew I could do this and therefore was very content and relaxed with him and knew that I had to cherish these memories, because the time slips by so quickly.

As much as I love them now, and I do, I feel like my heart would burst and I would give everything for them, I know that this feeling will keep growing. Being a Mom is so frightening, frustrating and crazy, yet I wouldn't change a moment of it.


  1. I KNOW EXACTLY what you mean, I mean seriously to a T I am on the same wave length with you! My daughter is 9 and with her I was a nervous wreck, I had no clue what I was doing, with Nathen though the second he was born, heck even while I was pregnant I just had all these instincts and knew everything was going to be fine. My poor husband, he'd never been around babies, I think I intimidated him, cause I knew everything and he knew very little (I tried to make him read the daddy books..but he just laughed at me)..the funny thing was though, he was always the one keeping me calm in fever or circumsion situations..Sometimes his calmness really infuriates am I always the crazy one? :)

  2. You expressed it perfectly! Move over cause I'm sitting on the same bus.


  3. Well put Janana. The first time I went out in public with my first born I was sure that people must be thinking that I kid napped this baby. What a trip!

  4. The love a mother has...not to mention the fact that you would do ANYTHING for your so scary and wonderful and amazing all wrapped up into a sweet (usually) smelling package that gives great kisses!



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