When Drew was born, I did not have an epiphany. I didn't cry. I just felt relieved to be done. I remember looking at Drew, thinking, wow, who is this little alien? He's big. No wonder I was so uncomfortable! Not that I didn't love him immediately, because I did. I just didn't really understand it. I thought before I had children that feelings could be put in a little box and taken out as needed. Once Drew was born that concept completely changed for me. My love was uncontrollable.
Drew had very bad jaundice and was under bilirubin lights for the first five days of his life, while they thought he had Glucose-6-phosphate dehydrogenate deficiency (G6-Pd) (he did not) and told me he “would probably be able to live a normal life”. I was not allowed to take him out from under the lights except for short feedings and diaper changes. (This was the longest five days of my life ever. I don't think I even need to really state this fact, I think it goes without saying, yet I am telling you, it was excruciating.) When we came home is when I started to really feel a connection, a strong feeling of love and maternal gratitude. I would cradle him in my arms in those first postpartum weeks and cry because I loved him so much. I now had someone so fragile to worry about for the rest of my life and it was so frighteningly overwhelming and wonderful at the same time.
Jacob was different. We bonded immediately. I looked at that little fragile face and knew what to do. I didn't doubt my instincts or my love or feel he was alien. The moment I saw Jacob, I felt that rush of love, and immediately was concerned “He's cold, he needs to be covered up”. The maternal instincts kicked in seconds after his birth. I wasn't scared or nervous like I was with Drew. I knew I could do this and therefore was very content and relaxed with him and knew that I had to cherish these memories, because the time slips by so quickly.
As much as I love them now, and I do, I feel like my heart would burst and I would give everything for them, I know that this feeling will keep growing. Being a Mom is so frightening, frustrating and crazy, yet I wouldn't change a moment of it.