September 8, 2009

A Question that you should never, EVER ask a woman

I've been trying to write this beginning paragraph for a while, trying to tie it all together. I can't tie it all together. Mentally I am all over the place. Let me tell you what happened, you can tell me what you think, and then we can all move on. All I can do is preface this with is this statement:

There are a lot of insensitive assholes out there and, believe it or not, many of these assholes are women.

Okay, now let's begin.....

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To celebrate my son Drew's first day of Kindergarten, we decided to go to a new restaurant last night. I was excited because it meant no cooking, and that is always a plus in my eyes.

While at dinner, Drew felt the need to go potty three times, mainly to see the urinals. Apparently they were very exciting because they extended down to the ground. Apparently, for a four year old, this is awesome. Actually, it must just be a guy thing, because Mr. Bee seemed pretty psyched about it as well. I can't muster such enthusiasm for bathrooms, but I am glad the little things in life make them so happy. Anyway, the third time he wanted to go, we told him he had to go with me to the bathroom. He agreed.

As we were washing his hands in the bathroom, I heard a voice say my name. It was an acquaintance of my Mom's, not one of my favorites. Great, I thought.

"Hi!" I say with fake enthusiasm.

"Your son is beautiful!" She says. "Is your Mom here?"

Like I travel with my Mom all of the time.

"No, I'm here with my husband." Duh.

Drew looks at her and says "I'm Drew ____." Maybe we need to teach him about talking to strangers?

She introduces herself to him, asks his age, and then looks at me with a straight face and says...

"When are you due?"

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Let me tell you- this has happened to me before. I am skinny legs and arms, all belly and boobs. Ever since I had kids, I am even more belly and boobs. When I worked at a Children's clothing shop, I was asked this quite a bit. Someone even asked me if I knew what I was having- when I wasn't pregnant. Like I was 5 months along and knew the sex of the imaginary fat-baby. Mortifying. Terrible. Yet, it hadn't happened to me in 3 years. Still, I know, you are mortified for me, right? You are. Well, believe it or not, it only gets worse from here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm not pregnant." I look at her blankly. What I should have said was "I am fat, not pregnant, thanks for pointing it out."

"Oh, you've still got your belly," she says, and touches my stomach.



What



the



f**k.





It was all I could do not to slap this woman. When in the hell is it okay to touch another person's body and comment that it is large? I am already self conscious enough about my body already. I don't need someone I barely know poking at my problem areas. How does she not know, as a woman, that this act is invading my personal space and making me uncomfortable?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, it's not over yet- it gets worse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Drew, suddenly Mr. Chatterbox with this horrible woman (and no one else), says "We have a baby, his name is Jacob."

A look of understanding goes across her eyes. "Oh, you just had a baby! I see."

"No," I say. You don't see, if you could see, you would see how uncomfortable you are making me. "My other son, Jacob, is two." I can feel my face reddening now.

"Oh, well he's still young." I recognize at this point that she has no social graces and has no idea what she has done.

"Um, okay," I say, probably visibly perturbed at this point. Drew (and the woman) don't notice and he keeps chattering on.

"I have a Daddy, and a Nana and a Papa and I go to school and...."

"Nice to see you." She says. "Tell your Mom I said hi."

"Okay," I stretch my mouth wide enough to maybe be considered a smile. Obviously it is not.

Seriously, why do people think that it is okay to comment on a woman's shape? If a man has a little belly, no one notices or cares, it's seen as normal, but because I am not in swimsuit shape after having two children and working full time, we must discuss it? It's not like I said to her, oh when is the face lift? Oh my, you are still ugly, and then touched her face (I could have, she is not attractive). I would never comment on someone's imperfections like that.

The sad part about this is that most men know not to ask about a woman's pregnancy or comment on her body, yet women do this to each other all of the time.

When I called my Mom to complain, she laughed about it, and said that I knew she had no tact. Yes, but it still is not a laughing matter that people think I look pregnant, that I am not pregnant, and yet I still have this gut that no amount of dieting or exercising seems to want to diminish. I shouldn't have to feel this way, and for God's sake, I shouldn't have to worry about people asking me if I am pregnant.

I am so depressed. Well, disheartened is more like it. I am feeling so worn down by all of it, life, work, family, and this was the last thing I needed to be worried about.

So last night I let Jillian Michaels kick my ass for an hour. My diet starts today, and I just bought a yummie tummie tank top that I was eyeing yesterday. I got my answer last night on if the exorbitant price is worth it; it is.

So, , for future reference-

This is what I look like when I am pregnant.

This is what I look like when I am not.

Please pass this along to your friends.

33 comments:

  1. (Dammit I just typed a long comment and then it disappeared, sorry if it posts twice.)

    I know this doesn't make it better but this woman clearly sucks balls & I would much rather be fat than a shallow, tactless fuckwad.

    So I clicked on the "Yummie Tummie" link and read in the top corner where it says "No More Muffin Tops" which is funny because I was just listening to the clip from 30 Rock where Jenna performs her "Muffin Top" song. The line "So baaack up off of me, you're weeieirding me out" totally applies to this situation. Visit here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1WY_BxSnD8

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  2. I'm a tactless dude and even I know you don't say shit like that!

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  3. Oh geez, why the heck would anyone ask someone anything about a pregnancy unless they know for sure!? My best friend (who has a beautiful figure) gained a TINY bit of weight in her stomach from some meds she had to take, and there were a handful of people asking her that question. She cried, she felt angry, she was hurt - no good can possibly come from it.

    AND when most women prefer not to be touch when babies are IN there, what on Earth was that lady thinking touching you in any way after being so offensive? I like the idea of asking about her lift. ;)

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  4. Janna,

    I'm so sorry. Really. I would feel the same way.

    When I was pregnant with my first and word was finally getting out around the office (probably around the end of the first trimester), I chatted with a co-worker. I said, "I'm pregnant." She said, "Oh! I thought you were just getting fat."

    Gee, thanks.

    Hang in there. Good luck with Jillian and your new diet. :)

    ((Hugs))

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  5. What a Rude B - seriously! Gawd, she needs to get a life. I'm betting she's a major busybody. One things for sure, she better keep her hands off YOUR body :D

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  6. OMG Janna, Fuck that!!! If you want to exercise or buy a new tank top, fine, but don't PUNISH yourself!!! She has no right to comment on your body or anyone else's, and I don't care if you still looked like you do in the top picture, it's never, ever ok.
    This is where I tell you that the first doctor appt I had after I got married, my doc says "Your new husband would love you even more if you lost weight". Yes, he was about 2 years younger than me now, yes he was not from the US and thus probably not aware of what a HORRID thing that is to say to a newlywed (or ANYONE), but NO he should never, ever have said it (or even thought it-my god what is this the 1950's? Should I have asked for some amphetamines to help me lose weight so my husband will love me??). I let myself feel horrible about it forever and probably put on a few revenge pounds b/c of it (I specifically remember eating nachos and drinking beer one night saying to myself, fuck you dr. so and so). I SHOULD HAVE told him to fuck off and complained to the MSU Clinical Center!
    Anyway, my point is you have every right to be pissed, but please omg don't internalize that verbal garbage. So awful.
    Next time, look at the asshole that says it with a horrified look on your face and say "My God, where on earth did you get the idea that it's ok to comment about my body?" hahaha. We shouldn't tiptoe around these people.
    Now I am all riled up before bed, lol.

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  7. I'm going to agree with everything Sarah just said. I was just thinking to myself how I would probably get fatter just to spite her. Reason #1 I never diet is because my mom used to always ask me if I wanted to try dieting, even though I was never upset about my weight or was interested in losing it, she wanted me to lose it, therefore I kept it. Some kids do acid to disobey their parents, I did french fries.

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  8. Can't wait for part two...

    That women was beyond really awful and a complete fool...OMG

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  9. I couldn't believe it when you said it got worse after she asked "When are you due?" Every woman knows never ever ever ask that question unless you are 100% sure the woman is pregnant, like someone told you that the woman was pregnant, dah! But then, for her to touch you, and then like she was trying to tell you what, 'it is o.k. for you to be what fat?' What a BITCH!!!

    Oh, well, sounds like an old bag to me, and yep, should have asked her when she was planning the FACE LIFT???

    Lastly, good luck with the diet. I know how you feel. After I had my two kids, my weight fluctuated betweed 118 and 122lbs. for years and years. I just could not get past 118. That is a lot of weight for a short 5 foot nothing lady. Anyways, eventually, overtime, the kids got a little older, things settled down some and I have lost some weight. I will never be my wedding weight, I can deal with that. Now I fluctuate between 108 and 113 (usually closer to the 113 (lol)) and I can live with this!

    You will get there!!! Just hang in there and remember you have a lot on your plate, take it one day at a time and forget the old bag!!!!

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  10. First of all, even when I KNOW that a girl is pregnant I don't ask about it. Because you can NEVER say the right thing. Never.

    Second of all, if I gain an ounce, it goes right to by belly since having a baby. And I've gained like a thousand ounces lately, so everyone at work is assuming I'm pregnant. I'm not.

    And the touching?! Jesus help her.

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  11. OMG! I must applaud your restraint from smacking the shit out of this woman when she continued to insult you. I would have lost it. Another reason to carry duct tape in my purse.

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  12. Wow, that's outrageous. I'm so sorry, Janna. And what could she have been thinking to touch you after what she said?!? I can't believe the nerve/ignorance/insensitivity of some people.

    Actually, yes I can. I've known the type. Years ago, I went through a period of depression and gained a dramatic amount of weight. Several people (to whom I am unfortunately related) tormented me with similarly hurtful comments, one assuming a pregnancy and others just blatantly pointing out to me that I was fat. Like I didn't already know.

    And now that I am actually pregnant, I've been surprised by the number of complete strangers that have had the nerve to ask me about my pregnancy, when I'm due and if I know "what" I'm having, when I'm just barely starting to show. Does it really just not occur to them that they could be wrong? Your story makes my point exactly.

    Hang in there, Janna. Don't let the [glass bowls] of the world get to you.

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  13. Janna, I am so sorry this happened to you. I only have ONE word for that ridiculous woman and it starts with a C and rhymes with RUNT... I wish I could have been there with you so I could have given her a taste of her own medicine. I sort of dread ever getting pregnant because I wont be able to bite my tongue. Even more so AFTER I have my children...

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  14. That is horrible and Im so sorry you had to go thru that I do not know what makes some people feel the need to ask such things!!! If it helps your picture looks great and you dont look pregnant!!!

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  15. I'm still reeling from the fact that she touched you. When would that ever, ever, ever be appropriate? NEVER!

    How can your mom stand her?

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  16. Ha. I came via Sits! Which makes me sound like an alien.

    My 24 year old daughter who has never had a baby to begin with is a Nurse, so she wears the scrubs of course, and she inherited the 'where you put all your weight no matter what belly' and she gets asked if she is pregnant. Talk about infuriating. And it really makes her upset. There is a rule I live by...NEVER NEVER ask someone if they are pregnant. NEVER.

    Ha....'where's your facelift'? Hey, don't ask me that! :)

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  17. You look great. And some people are just rude all day long.
    I am sorry that happened to you. Obviously, she is clueless or she would have stopped when she had so many opportunities!
    Dropped by from SITS.

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  18. People have such nerve. Seriously, what in the world was she thinking? My favorite, when I actually was pregnant, was when absolute strangers would say, "Wow, you're HUGE!". Like really? Do you think I don't notice that I am as big as a house? Is there really a need for you to point it out?

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  19. OMG. People are retarded. Though this does remind me of a particularly hilarious episode of Malcolm in the Middle where the dad meets his new boss, a woman, and rubs her tummy and says something like "And what do we have here?" and she replies "My big fat stomach." Classic. PS: You look great and not pregnant.

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  20. The only way that I will ever ask a woman if she's pregnant is if I see the baby's head crowning. And even then, I'll probably say something like "there appears to be a baby in your vagina".

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  21. I'm completely socially inept and even *I* do not ask about a baby unless I physically see one coming out of the woman's body. True story. (Unless she has told me she's great with child obviously.)

    Of course the current fashion trend with the high waist and fluttered out bottom does not help those of us who have had babies and have the hips to prove it! lol.

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  22. People are SO rude! And that lady just couldn't take a hint!

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  23. I'm totally with Marinka . That is the only time I would ever insinuate a women might be pregnant.

    My baby is 25 and I still can't lose the belly. The only reason people quit asking me "when are you due?" is because now they think I'm too old to be pregnant.

    You look lovely and you should have punched that witch in the nose when she touched you :)

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  24. You look wonderful and don't let self-absorbed jerks like that make you feel otherwise!

    How sad that people feel the need to FIND things wrong with others--even when they have to make it up--to make themselves feel better.

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  25. Enjoyed your post but don't know what to say. Don't want you to cry. So I'll say have a great day.

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  26. What a dreadful experience. People are truly clueless, and most of them are so stupid they don't realize how hurtful they are being - but some realize too late, and hopefully feel mortified by their own stupidity afterwards. I've been asked this too, and I've never even had a baby! but never been touched in such a creepy and inappropriate fashion...yikes.

    Don't even take it personally. You are so cute and totally deserve the expensive tank top. You clearly have a lot going for you, including brains and personality. Take care of yourself and feel better soon.

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  27. Bless your heart. Some folks are rude, rude, RUDE! Too bad you couldn't have worked the convo around to mention just how costly it is to dine out these days and just how lucky she is to qualify for the Senior Citizen's Discount!

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  28. I can't believe SHE TOUCHED YOU after all that. Woman, you are brave and generous.

    You should've touched her back, and NOT gently.

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  29. Hey, girl...I came across your link through my cousin and her "Best Posts of the Week" and you remind me so much of my daughter! She quite rough around the edges but I love her....here's her post on the subject. http://cuzifeltlikeit.blogspot.com/2009/03/my-secrets-out-im-eight-months-pregnant.html

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  30. I came here via Jenner's blog. I can see why she likes you. I nearly choked to death at the WTF statement. lol.

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  31. Dave Barry said somewhere that you should NEVER ask a woman is pregnant unless you see the baby actually emerging from her body. I mean, really. You have my sympathy. This woman will get hers, believe me. And just be glad you are young enough that it's still a possibility!

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  32. The only way that I will ever ask a woman if she's pregnant is if I see the baby's head crowning. And even then, I'll probably say something like "there appears to be a baby in your vagina".
    ^^^Hahahahaha. That's great!

    Seriously though, this woman was way out of line. I am very sorry you had to endure that.

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