The Secret Joy of a SAHM

After dropping one kiddo at the bus and another kiddo being picked up for carpool, I set off on a walk. It was just baby and me, no frustrating dog to worry about. We walked around the lake pond by our house. Little Matt was so enthralled, and sat up straight in his new stroller where he can see out instead of just staring at me and the sky. I knew I was getting close to his naptime, so I tried to hurry.

When we arrived home, I grabbed his blanket and gave him his pacifier and carried him to his room. I sat down in the glider and instantly the boy was asleep. He was so cuddled up and heavy on me. I just felt this complete trust and love from him. I just wanted to take a mental snapshot of everything about that day: the beautiful morning, the nice brisk walk, the fact that I was flushed and rushing him to his bedroom, his silly mustard colored pajamas and that feeling of his total contentment and my feeling like my heart would burst from it. One day I won't remember these little things or these little pockets of feelings, and I want to hold on to them so tightly.

It feels like things are moving at a snails pace some days; they are not.

Even though not every day is easy, I'm very thankful for this time I have alone with Matthew.

Complete

I've always scoffed at the idea of a family being complete. Everyone says that as a way to justify their means, right? I never felt that feeling of complete after Jacob, our second child was born, I always had longing and wonder. I assumed it was because I was longing for a girl.

So we decided to try again, even though I was scared about having 3 babies, and I felt so selfish and irresponsible for bringing another being into this world when I wasn't sure I was a good enough parent for two beings already. I also felt guilty about breaking with the status quo. Having two children is "just right" in the eyes of many, while three seems excessive to others. The looks that I received when I was pregnant and people found out I was a having a third boy were not very reassuring, either.

The pregnancy was the toughest of all three and I thanked my lucky stars when I was done with that process (seriously, I smiled through labor, even BEFORE the epidural) and I had a healthy baby boy. Still, I worried about the affect this baby boy would have on my other boys.

I was pleasantly surprised to see that instead of resentment on their part, there was so much love.

 

 

Ten months later, this love is still there, and you know what? Today I am making it official: I feel our family is, in fact, complete. Matthew was always meant to be here, and now our family feels finished. This was right for us, for our family. The picture is complete, and it really is amazing the difference I feel. Now I don't even pay mind to what others think. Dang I'm lucky.

 

What We Have

It's Spring Break around here.

A lot of D and J's friends are going places. One of his friends told me nonchalantly "we are going to Disneyworld, I think."

The Bees are staying home. My not working, a new baby, and a desperate need for a new roof kept us there.

Sometimes I worry because we are in an affluent suburb that they will feel the sting of being on the lower end of the "normal" income spectrum. It's hard for me to watch as they see their friends going places and doing things we just can't afford.

Then again...

I told the boys we are going to the local Zoo. They are over the moon thrilled. They are excited to all be home as a family.

Never once did they complain about not going on a trip. Never once do they take a fun outing for granted. I can guarantee that my children will never say they are going to Disneyworld nonchalantly.

 J told me that we "don't have a lot of money". This is my fault naturally, as when they want to do something this is tooridiculous/tooexpensive/toomuchsomething, I flat out tell them it's too expensive (along with other reasons). Sometimes this is true, sometimes it's a little bit of a fib, but it stops the begging. "No," I corrected him. "We have just the right amount."

And it's true. Look at all we have.

That being said, we could still really use a vacation. Just keeping it real.

Hope

I spent all of Saturday cleaning and spending time with the kids alone (again- for the 5th weekend in a row). As hard as certain moments were, I enjoyed most of Saturday. I enjoyed being home and actually getting to spend one-on-one time alone with the kids. It gave me hope that I can tackle this, that if I end up at home, I will not lose my mind. I'm trying to remember my happy, get back there to the time when I felt like a good Mom.... and I am getting there. Hopefully I can stay there.

Nine

I've been with you 9 years. That feels like a lifetime and yet still so short. I may have picked up 2,000 lone socks, but you gave me the two best presents (they are called Drew and Jacob) and a million laughs. You make me feel beautiful and special. I, in turn, make you feel funnier and smarter than anyone else does.

My favorite moments are sharing a beer and a chat with you. I love to save stories for you because I know you can turn a bad day into a funny joke. You are a writer, even though you don't have the patience. You don't make fun of me for blogging, even though you make fun of me for facebooking. When you vacuum, you create meticulous straight lines with the vacuum cleaner that I must admire. (No, really, you make me admire them.)

You are an amazing father. You can't wait to teach the kids all that you know, yet you are understanding if they aren't interested. You let them be themselves, yet you aren't afraid to be strict. Without you I would be lost raising them.

Most of all, I love you. I can't imagine how boring my life would be without you in it. Let's end this little blog post before I break out every cliche in the book. Whoops, too late! Oh well, it's okay to be sappy sometimes.


Happy anniversary, Mr. B!

PS Please go  check out my review of A Jane Austen Education on Blogher. Thx!

The Most Important Resolution

I really enjoyed spending time with my boys this weekend. I loved the pirate fort, the sledding trip and the cuddle time.I loved it so much that I realized something important this weekend. I feel like sometimes I am so wrapped up in myself: my stress, my job, my obligations, that I miss out on things with my children. I often miss out on the ability to enjoy my life and can only concentrate on trudging through.

I'm not sure how to resolve this, but I am hoping that I can spend more time enjoying my family and less time in my head, worrying. I have the best family, and wonderful children. I need to savor every moment when they are this age. I need to be present for this time. Yes, they are crazy and they run and yell and cry a lot, but they will only be this age right now, and I want to savor every giggle, eyelash, hug and kiss, silly story, fight, and tantrum. How could I miss moments like this, drowning in my own thoughts?

There will always be stress in my life, but one day the boys won't always be little, and I will never get these moments back. I resolve to live in the present with my family. To get out of my thoughts and live in the now. It's the most important resolution I can make. I love my guys.

Happy....

For My Husband....

Happy because I love you.
Happy because you love me.
Happy that I get to wake up each morning next to my best friend.
Happy that I got so lucky.

Happy because it's your birthday.
Happy I have spent 11 birthdays with you.
Happy because I get to spend many more birthdays with you.

Happy that you were born Day.
Happy Birthday, Mr. B.

PS. Happy that I am younger than you... I kid, I kid!

A Confession

Jacob is so insistent on having me do everything for him right now. He crys and says, "I love Mommy the most!" when  Mr. B tries to do something for him. It makes me sad for Mr. B, and it is quite annoying to have to do everything for him right now, but honestly, it also makes me a little proud that he is so close to me.

Those little times we have together where he plays with my hair and we giggle... I do love them. I know it won't always be this way, so I am cherishing the moment right now with my little guy, being his favorite and sharing secrets with them, even if the secret is the fact that we changed the lyrics from "You are my Sunshine" to "You are my Turtle".

30 Day Blog Journal- Day 1- Favorite Song

I saw this over at Stephanie's blog Ecstatically Pregnant and decided to do the 30 day blog journal, although I am going to break this up about every 3rd day so you are not bombarded with posts from me all of the sudden. I wouldn't want to over load you with my productivity!

Thank you to Sass over at Secret Life of Sass and Lex for the great idea. From one Mrs. Bee to another (yep, they are Bee's over there as well), thanks!

Here are the days:
Day 1 - your favorite song
Day 2 - your favorite movie
Day 3 - your favorite television program
Day 4 - your favorite book
Day 5 - your favorite quote
Day 6 - 20 of my favorite things
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 - a photo you took
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 - a photo of you recently
Day 12 - something you are OCD about
Day 13 - a fictional book
Day 14 - a non-fictional book
Day 15 - your dream house
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website
Day 23 - a youtube video
Day 24 - where I live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - my worst habit
Day 28 - whats in my handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes,dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

Day 1- My favorite song. This one is easy, it's "The First Day of my Life," by Bright Eyes. Mr. B introduced me to this song a while ago, when I was hugely pregnant with my youngest, Jacob.  He showed me the video on youtube. Needless to say it got my hormones going, and I bawled after watching it.  

Seriously, watch this video and tell me you are not a tiny bit verklempt. I will tell you that you have a heart of stone if you aren't a little moved!


Now it reminds me of being pregnant with Jacob, and being so excited about meeting him. I remember being a little frightened of the unknown with my first born Drew, but with Jacob, I knew what to expect so there was no fear for me there. just excitement. (Maybe there should have been, LOL.) It was a great time in my life, and our family's life. It's also Drew's favorite song, go figure!

What is your all time favorite song? Do you have one? What does it remind you of?

It's how you play the game

I decided to take Drew up to get ice cream, er frozen yogurt at the corner of our neighborhood as a treat for being such a good kid this weekend. He needed to be rewarded, as we spent most of weekend dealing with the behaviors of one tyrannical two year old Calamity and the most rambunctious puppy known to man. Of course he got his low fat chocolate yogurt with brownie bits, chocolate chips, M&M's and hot fudge, so it no longer was a "healthy treat", but still he deserved it. The grin on his face was enough to tell me I made a good decision.

On the way home, I asked him what his favorite part of the weekend was.

"The race," he replied, referring to the 5k I ran on Sunday, my first 5k that I have been worried about running for a year. I finally did it, and he was there to cheer me on as I ran. This [revelation] was surprising to me, as we had gotten ice cream AND gone to a birthday party this past weekend.

"Aw, thanks buddy. Did you like watching me run? I was really happy you were there cheering me on."

"Yeah," Drew replied, then after a moment of thought, "you finished kind of in lastish place, but there were people behind you, so I guess you weren't last."

"Well honey, I ran because it was fun, and I wanted to try and do my best, and so I was happy with that, no matter where I placed in the race."

"Yeah, but you were kind of last."

I so was not, I was middle of the pack, but anyway.... " Well, not really. I had fun and did my best, and that's all that matters."

"Well, did you get a medal?"

"Yes." Everyone did.

"Can I see it?"

"Er... I didn't pick it up." We had a mach 9 meltdown with an unnapped two year old that prevented my return inside the building to pick it up. It just wasn't worth it to go back, we had to go home.

"Why?!?" This perplexed Drew more than it even perplexed Mr. B. How could I not care about a MEDAL. Those things are shiny, and big, and they hang down like a necklace, and they mean you are teh cool, right?

"Well, it wasn't as important to me. I was happy I finished and did well for me. I didn't need a medal."

In the rearview mirror I saw a perplexed five year old's expression of disbelief. I'm sure it didn't make sense to him now, but I hope one day he will get it, how it's more important to do your best than to worry about others. Maybe I finished "in lastish place", but I finished, and I ran more than half of it, sprinted at the end, and finished with a time I was proud of. I stepped out of my comfort zone, into something (running) that has always terrified me, and I completed it. For that reason I am proud of me.

The greatest pleasure in life, is doing the things people say we cannot do.
-- Walter Bagehot

Cookied out!

So today has been a quiet day on the blog front. Quiet days make me nervous. It makes me think you are all ready for my cookie stories... no? Well too bad, I like my asshat stories, so here we go....

I've been way ahead of schedule on all of Christmas tasks this year. The house was decorated the weekend after Thanksgiving, I've been shopping since Fall, and you all saw how awesome my Christmas cards turned out. So this year I decided to bake Christmas cookies. No biggie right? I am not a baker though. Hell, I'm barely able to stand cooking. I am not fond of cooking and my kitchen is not one that calls spend lots of time in me, I ahm so pretty. It is a fugly kitchen to the nth degree. I have counters that are never clean, no matter how many times I wash them, the cupboard hinges are all breaking, and the floor is white tile therefore perpetually dirty.

Still, I decided to trudge through. Here is the list of cookies I wanted to make:

Magic Cookie Bars
Skill level: Easy

These were pretty easy, however I added too much chocolate. Drew wanted to know if these cookies were actually magic. Nope, but the kids seemed to think they gave them super powers. Drew transformed into a duck and began quacking through the house. Jacob gained the power of SUPERSPEED and ran laps around the house. I'm sure this was due to the "magic" and not the extra chocolate that was added.

Tri Cornered Cream Cheese jelly things (Maybe not technical name, but I'm lazy so live with it!)
Skill level: Oh my Freakin' god I never want to make these again.

These took me three and half hours to make. Towards the end I just ate a big gob of dough so I wouldn't have to shape another cookie. Of course Mr. B loves them and wants more to make more *SOB*.

Fudgy Bon Bons
Skill Level: Meh- not too bad! Messy though.

I made these for the name only. Drew was able to help peel the Hershey's kisses that go in the middle of these (Jacob helped by handing the kisses to Drew, it was a regular assembly line), and the kids love them.



Sugar Cookies
Skill Level: Ridiculous amounts of work, for realsies.

It's a good thing Christmas only comes once a year because mah God do these things take a long time to make. I hate any recipe that calls for a rolling pin. It is not my forte. Somehow we manged to get about 30 usable cookies and we frosted them. Any ill feelings that I had toward the cookie making process were forgotten when Drew began frosting. Not only did he have a great time (he called himself "the Frosting King") but he had a little secret for me midway through the cookies.


"Mommy, I love you." He whispered.

I think the sugar cookies were a good note to end on. The biggest pain in the ass with the biggest payoff. . I don't do this for me, I do it for them. If I carried them in my belly for 9 months I guess 15 hours of baking is small potatoes And they loved it. The baking cookies, not the belly thing, although the probably loved that, too.

So those of you that made it through a post about sugar cookies, congratulations! Now please don't hit the unsubscribe button.

I think this signals the end of "The Courtship" Phase of our relationship....

When I first starting dating Mr. Bee, he brought me flowers for every occasion and sometimes just because. Of course, I dated broke-ass students before Mr. Bee, and he was older, and more mature (but not mature enough to frown upon my rite-of-passage-big-ten-college-binge-drinking, thank goodness) and I totally swooned over a boy who was able to buy me ANYTHING, much less flowers all of the time. My sister's first words to me when I gushed over these flowers was: "enjoy it now, because it will never last". I thought she was totally wrong. Mr. Bee would always bring me flowers.

We moved in together after a little under a year of dating, and being 21, I was still in the binge-drinking through the week heyday of getting cab rides home and puking up vodka and cranberry juice concoctions, which is not a pretty picture. During the time Mr. Bee was commuting for me, so I could go to school and he could work at his new job. Still, he was ever so patient, and while there weren't flowers all of the time, there were the thoughtful gestures. (Holding my hair back until 2am when he had to be at work at 6am? He had the patience of a saint!) I can't even begin to tell you how often he would pick my loaded friends and me, and laugh along with us, even though he must have been annoyed.

Then we got married. We were husband and wife, and Mr. Bee, being an understanding husband, accepted the fact that I could not find a steady full time job because I sucked at interviews. He went and saw chick flicks willingly with me, and we lovingly talked about when we would start a family. In turn, I eventually found a steady, albeit low paying, job.

After about three months of trying, I found out I was pregnant. We were both nervous (heck, I was a wreck, and I stress-ate to compensate), but Mr. Bee put on a brave face, and lied and told me I looked pretty as I went on to gain 55 lbs. After Drew was born, I was grumpy, puffy and tired, but he told me how beautiful I looked and I actually believed him. I'm not sure who was more delusional at that point.

Our second child was a surprise as it happened so quickly. Still, we were very excited, and Mr. Bee was patient, if not as helpful with the other pregnancy. After all, we had another child to take care of and he couldn't hold my hand through the whole pregnancy as he had before. I had found a new, higher paying job, and money wasn't tight. We did a lot of shopping and went to restaurants often, which was a relief, as I discovered I really hated cooking in our outdated kitchen.

After Jacob was born, Mr. Bee started a stressful change in jobs, and the stress was dully noted by me. There was little in the way of magic or babymooning the second time around. (Babymoon: The period after your child is born that you are both so in love and happy that little stresses matter less. This lasted about 1 month with Drew and about 2 days with Jacob.) Restaurant and shopping trips stopped as we had neither the money or the patience to deal with two children out at a mall. Oh, I also outlawed red roses at our house. How cliche! (Not that I was getting a lot of flowers.) So now I get plants, on the appropriate day. No suprizes.

Did I notice any of these changes at the time? No, it was subtle, and I think, a part of our relationship maturing. I am no longer being courted or coddled, those days are (sadly- I did enjoy them) over. I came to this conclusion after another argument about what movies to watch, and I remarked that his taste in movies had gone downhill. "No," he replied, "[my taste in movies] hasn't changed at all." In other words, yes, it took me 10 years to realize that husband never really liked girly movies at all, he just watched them to appease me. Don't poke fun at me, as I am not the only person living in a bubble; when he insisted that I liked the movie Wolverine and I insisted that I thought that it was really stupid, I realized that he still hasn't realized I don't like action movies.

There are still many sweet moments in our life... Mr. Bee still will get up and get me ice water after I decide I want one when he gets one for himself, even though I have two perfectly good legs. I am planning on watching GI Joe on Blu-ray when it comes out for him, and he in turn will watch The Proposal for me. (Well, he will watch that because Mr. Bee has a thing for Sandra Bullock, much like his love for Hugh Grant.) I will still work furiously to get stains out of his clothes, and he will still make the bed for me (he makes it so much nicer than I do). I will still make him Chili, even though I hate cooking and tolerate Chili, and he will still make french toast on Saturdays mornings because I love it so much. We do these things because we love each other and we know it will make the other person happy. We are not trying to impress, just trying to make each other's lives better. That's the difference.

Now, can someone remind of this blog post before I have to watch The Matrix for the 4,000th time?

In the heyday of our courtship phase. Oh mah God, We look like Behbees!

Dear Jacob,

For you I have watched dozens of episodes of Elmo's World, cut up countless slices of pickles, let you spit out food into my hand because you bit off too much to chew, pick your boogers, and read Ten Little Fish over and over again. For you I have listened to Dr. Worm numerous times, sang Twinkle Twinkle, and Ba Ba Black Sheep (with made up lyrics because I can't remember them). For you I have given too many hugs and kisses to count, kissed thousands of boo-boos and tucked you in almost every night. For you I promise to love you unconditionally, even those times when we don't get along, see eye to eye, or even when you don't like me. Even when you're in High School and your room smells like a dirty sweat sock, I will still love you, I promise.

In return, you will always be my baby at age two or age forty-two. Sorry, it's a package deal.

My life changed so much when you came into this world two years ago today, it became 100 times crazier, but 10,000 times more enjoyable and interesting. Thank you for filling my life with laughter and joy.

I love you Jakey, more than I can ever express in a letter. Happy 2nd Birthday.
Love, Mommy

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

On the Run

Yep, those are our shoes. Mine are the second from the left. If you didn't notice, I have almost the same size shoes as Mr. Bee. Size eleven, or on good days, ten. Let the "bigfoot" jokes commence (and just wait until I take a picture of my hands)!


Also notice: my shoes are falling apart. From overuse. I have been working out a lot. A lot of people have said recently how great I look, how I look like I have lost weight. I haven't lost any, not even a pound, since my 6 pound weight loss. It's very frustrating. Of course, I know, muscle weighs more than fat, still I know that the calories I am burning compared to what I am eating should mean I would lose some weight, right? Anyway, for now I am done with South Beach and trying just to have a healthy diet and I am focusing on working out instead.

Even though my shoes are falling apart, the expense of new shoes is not something we can truly afford, as we should be living on essentials and saving money because Mr. Bee has been laid off one week, and will be laid off for another week sometime this summer. There aren't any words on how I feel about this. I find it so disheartening that we struggling so hard and yet getting nowhere. It feels like we are swimming and just barely keeping our heard above the surface, and just when I think we will break free and make it to land, someone puts another weight or burden on us.




Nobody told me being an adult was this hard.




I am glad I never wished away my childhood, like others did. I loved being a kid. In fact on that note, we are celebrating my birthday present this Saturday and going to Cedar Point, just Mr. Bee and me. I know what you are saying- but you can't afford new shoes, why are you going to Cedar Point?


Because sometimes it's important to be a kid again, even for a day. Even if it means you run in janky size eleven shoes.


On a happier note, I got to meet a new little guy, Aiden. He's adorable and smells like baby and coos. It's enough to make me want another baby myself... that is until I get a call from childcare telling me that Mr. Calamity bit another toddler.

Insert cute picture that makes you love Mr. Calamity again.

There, that's better.

PS Still can't wait to meet the other new little guy, Beck. (What's with everyone having boys?)

PSS Thank you to all of you who have been sticking with and reading me even in my funks. I have been very busy and I promise to get back to all soon. I think I should feel pretty refreshed by Sunday. Let's hope, right?

Sappy Mom Musings

In Honor of Mother's Day I decided to write a post about what being a Mother means to me. Warning: If you don't like the sappy, you might want to skip this one!


Being a Mother means to me that:

The best days of my life are when my boys were born, and that will never change.

I have new found respect for my Mom. I am really appreciative for her letting me live past the age of five (totally stealing this from Holly's FB status)!

While they annoy me sometimes, I really do believe that my children are perfect.

I heart baby butts! (This is probably universal, though.)

I love even the simple strange things about my children, including especially the back of my children's heads. I don't know why, I just find something so endearing about Jacob's asymmetrical ears, and Drew's pronounced cowlick.

I will be in a constant state of worry for the rest of my life. There will never be a time in which I am completely at ease.

I will always struggle to get a picture of the kids smiling together.

I will unconditionally love my children forever. I used to ask my Mom if she would love me forever, even if I did something really, really awful, and she told me yes, always she would love me. Now I know she was telling the truth.

I am no longer repulsed by poopy diapers. Now I am just annoyed by them.

I appreciate all of the little luxuries in life.... like pooping with the door closed. Really.

I am in a constant state of me vs. the children. We all have needs and sometime I have to weigh the options because they never correspond to each other. Guess what? I almost always lose.

Sleep was WAY underrated before I had children. How I miss it so!

I will never take a vacation without my children and not think about them and miss them terribly.

I want my children to grow up right now, yet stay little forever.

The years are flying by. This makes me sad, although I do always wish for the week to go by quickly.

I am SO jealous of stay at home moms, yet I know I would be stir crazy and frustrated if I was one.

I have unconditional respect for Mothers everywhere. I know that there is no right way of parenting and the most important thing is to love your children unconditionally.

On that note.....

Happy Mother's Day Everyone! If you are a Mom, please take the time out to pamper yourself, even if it's just for a minute. As for me? Well my children took 4 poops so far collectively and I have not wiped a single butt! It's a good day! Gotta love Mr. Bee.

Words and Actions

When I dropped Drew off at school today three older kids were standing at the doorway into his classroom. They looked to be much older than Drew, and to Drew they must have looked humongous. They had to 5 or 6 years old, I know that they couldn't have been any older than that, but they looked so mature. They were talking loudly and excitedly. Drew clung close to my leg and looked down. I pushed him forward through the doorway. “Drew, why don't you go sit at the table over there?” I pointed to a table farther away from the older boys. Drew walked over to the table and sat down quietly. I could sense his apprehension.

They are just little boys, I wanted to tell Drew. Little boys that you won't even know in a couple of years. What they say doesn't matter and there is no need to be nervous. Don't be afraid, just be your wonderful, loving self. That's all that matters. It will all be okay, just be happy and don't worry. Instead of saying this, I gave him a kiss on the head, and told him “I love you and I will see you later. Have a good day.”

As a parent, when do you step in? When do you say those things that need to be said?

I guess the real question is why I can't follow my own advice? I'm still trying to heed my own unspoken advice to my son. I still let the little things take over my thoughts and render me useless. Why do I let people at work get to me? Why do I worry so much about what people think of me? Why am I still pretending I am skinny on Facebook? Why do I let the loss of a follower (and one of my favorite bloggers) bother me? I know it's ridiculous and yet sometimes these thoughts haunt me.

I'm guess I am still learning. I just hope I can find the way, and lead in my words and my actions for my children.

What they say doesn't mean anything. Don't be afraid, just be your wonderful, loving self. That's all that matters. It will all be okay, just be happy and don't worry.

Sorry this is a little too deep for a Monday. I hope you are having a good day today, with very few worries.

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.- Ramona L. Anderson

Friday Favorites #10

It's Friday Favorites time! Oh yes it's time to pay homage to all the things that got us through the week, and give credit where credit is due! Here are my Friday Favorites this week....

#10! Hard to believe 10 weeks Have passed since I started Friday Favorites! In honor of #10 I am going to give you 10 favorites this week- 5 from this week, and 5 favorites overall (these are like my favorites hall of fame). Here we go!

My Five Faves this week:

1. Becoming Jane (Movie) Sometimes, especially when I am surfing the crimson wave, I've just got to watch a movies that makes me cry. This is one of them. Heartbreaking, but not in a cheesy, Nicholas Sparks sort of way- sorry Nicholas Sparks fans! If you haven't seen it yet- please do!

2. Pizza and Movie night. One weeknight a week we pull out the kids table and paper plates and watch a movie and eat. Very little cleanup and the kids love their special treat.

Intently watching the movie, they are. Turning into Yoda, I am.

3. Hanging out with my friends on Tuesday. It was much more fun than my tired body can handle!

4. All my blogerinos, my blogging friends who still stick by even when I am in a blogging funk. Thanks guys, I promise I will have better posts soon. Plus you guys totally complimented me on my picture with the kids last Friday which was so totally awesome and totally unexpected.

5. My Niece Marisa. She's turning two today and she gets a special shout out! Love you 'Risa! Your Aunt Janna is the your favorite Auntie, too! (Please wish her a Happy Birthday in the comments section- her Mommy reads the blog and I bet she would think that is cute!)

When Marisa was just an infant and I was pregnant she would let me hold her for hours... and I did! Here is one of the pictures, with Max, my sister's other big baby!

My Five Faves overall:

1. My Boys. I bitch, moan and complain sometimes, but where would I be without them? I love the men in my life. I'm beginning to love sports and dinosaurs and trucks- what are they doing to me? EEK!

2. My Mom and Sissie. I miss our Friday lunch dates (at one time we went out to lunch every Friday). And of course my Dad, the grill master extraordinaire.

3. My Friends. Cinquo de Mayo again this year? Puh-leez? I'm not pregnant this year, how about it?

Cinquo de Mayo 2007. Pregnant here. Yep, that's MY 7up. Woot. Ain't no party like a preggo party!

4. Great Wolf Lodge. We had so much fun last year, we are doing it again at the end of May. Even though Jacob hates water. Altogether now- huh? Well we are hoping he changes his mind by then (crosses fingers).

5. Lollapalooza. I hate to be looking forward to the end of summer, but I can't wait to go!

Okay all- now tell me- what are your faves? You can blog some FF's and then link back if you so choose, or leave them in the comments!

The Little Boy Bias

What are little boys made of?

Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails

That's what little boys are made of!

What are little girls made of?

Sugar and spice and all things nice

That's what little girls are made of!

I was never meant to have a son. Well let me rephrase that, I shouldn't say I was never meant to have a son, of course I was meant to have a son, God and science (and the fact that I eat a crapload of cereal) determined this for me. I just never expected to have a son. I have no idea what to do with little boys. Everywhere in my life girls have been the dominant gender-in my family, in my classes, and even (actually especially) in my work. I have lived a very girl-centric life. Not only that but I have always been a girly- girl. I mean sure, I fish, play cards and drink beer, I hate wearing jewelery and I love men's college basketball, but overall I like things more equated with the fairer sex, like chick lit, manicures, being CLEAN, frilly dresses, makeup, and looking at jewelery (I just hate wearing it- there is no rhyme or reason to being me!). I know nothing about little boys. I babysat one little boy when I was a teenager (yes, just one, I wasn't into little kids and I still feel uncomfortable around any but my own and a few others), and he was a little shit, just horrible. He was mean and pushy and violent and well, just a yucky little boy. I did not like him at all. He reminded me of all the teasing I received at the hands of the little boys I grew up with, and as a chubby little girl with buck teeth and a perm, I received teasing aplenty (thank you Mom and Dad for the braces)!

However, when I was pregnant the first time and I thought about having a little boy, I was very excited. I imagined a little cherub-like boy with chubby cheeks as red as apples and fat thighs on a roly poly baby. I did not imagine that he would grow up one day to be a real boy running around, splashing in puddles and collecting live worms in his pockets (yes that DID happen). I did not imagine birthing a boy who yells and runs and karate chops things with his legs. I would never have conceived in my mind being the mother to a boy whose favorite DVD is Truck Tunes and who collects tools the way I used to collect Barbies. I didn't expect it because it is not what I am used to, was out of my range of familiarity. I knew that having a boy would be different from what I was used to, but I didn't know exactly WHAT to expect, and that worried me.

For a while, though, I had nothing to be concerned about. Drew has been little, smaller than many of his classmates, not very athletic or rambunctious and still seemed, thankfully, like a baby boy (the worm incident withstanding), until this weekend that is. This weekend Drew went to a birthday party for an older friend. That is when I saw my four year old son Drew become my future no-longer-a-cherub-like-roly-poly-baby but-rough-and tumble-big-boy Drew with his friends, yelling and jumping, wearing Batman masks, crawling on the disgusting bowling alley floor (and yes I made him get up) and it hit me. He is a capital B-O-Y boy, and BOY am I in over my head. I look at Drew and I don't know what to do with him. I can't relate to a boy the same way I would to a girl and it scares me. I just worry that he will turn into that little boy I babysat or that bully that terrorized my fifth grade self.

And yet, he's not just any little rugrat, he's my Drew. That boy exudes kindness and gentleness along with his rambunctiousness. No one ever told me that little boys could be so loving and sweet as well as dirty and crazy. Until now I never thought to consider that maybe boys are different from girls in a positive way, a way that challenges who I am, and who I thought I would be. I mean, granted, I am probably never going to get to play "princess" with Drew (or maybe I will, I am okay with that!) but I realize now that is not a bad thing. The truth is I am blessed with my two boys. Now I can finally get the dirt under my nails and learn to let go, and to go against my grain.

PS- I know that most of what I am saying is reaffirming gender stereotypes, I realize that there are many girls and boys that go against those stereotypes, however I am speaking from the experiences that I have had. Yes I am calling everyone girls and boys because when we become adults we are men and women and adults definitely blur those gender defined roles. Wow, I think I am officially talking out of my ass now!
Photo Credit: Space.boy

Winter blues (REALLY bad poetry)

i have not the words to say

have had some horrible no-good days

and the snow will never go away

work slowly making me crazy

i've decided:

i'm ready to be lazy

body stiff, feels like lead

plan of action: dead ahead

go in the room with the bed

creak through the room

flop onto the bed

pull covers up over my head

grab the children, husband too

snuggle up, two by two

close our eyes

sleep all day

us bees dreaming our cares away

hibernate all through today

into tomorrow, even thursday

hopefully we wake in may

Rough week... be back with more soon. Inspired by Jenners

1461: A Letter

Dear Drew,

It's been 208 weeks since you came into my life and turned me into a different, more responsible and capable person.

1461 days have gone by since I first saw your beautiful blue eyes and heard your little newborn wail, delighted in your smooth bald head and held ten perfect little baby toes for the first time.

35,064 hours have passed since I have had a decent night's sleep without worrying about you in the back of my mind, whether you are far or near.

2,103,840 minutes of your life have been lived so far, about 1,700,000(ish) have been some of the best moments of my life and the rest have taught me to have more patience and restraint.

126,230,400 seconds have clicked by and I have kept you alive safe, sound and whole, and generally happy. You have returned the favor by growing up to be a friendly, caring and intelligent little boy, whose observations make me laugh in amazement and wonder.

4 hours ago you let me envelope you in a big bear hug, tightly confining and knocking the wind out of you.

240 minutes have gone since you let me hold you for an excruciatingly long time, as I tried to freeze time for one perfect moment.

14,400 seconds prior to now I asked you to promise to always be my baby. You said okay. This is your promise to me.

An infinite number of seconds, minutes hours, days and weeks will pass and I will still love you. I might get frustrated, impatient and angry with you sometimes, but forever I will love you. This is my promise to you.

Happy 4th Birthday Drew. You complete our family.

Love,

Mommy