April 27, 2009

Words and Actions

When I dropped Drew off at school today three older kids were standing at the doorway into his classroom. They looked to be much older than Drew, and to Drew they must have looked humongous. They had to 5 or 6 years old, I know that they couldn't have been any older than that, but they looked so mature. They were talking loudly and excitedly. Drew clung close to my leg and looked down. I pushed him forward through the doorway. “Drew, why don't you go sit at the table over there?” I pointed to a table farther away from the older boys. Drew walked over to the table and sat down quietly. I could sense his apprehension.

They are just little boys, I wanted to tell Drew. Little boys that you won't even know in a couple of years. What they say doesn't matter and there is no need to be nervous. Don't be afraid, just be your wonderful, loving self. That's all that matters. It will all be okay, just be happy and don't worry. Instead of saying this, I gave him a kiss on the head, and told him “I love you and I will see you later. Have a good day.”

As a parent, when do you step in? When do you say those things that need to be said?

I guess the real question is why I can't follow my own advice? I'm still trying to heed my own unspoken advice to my son. I still let the little things take over my thoughts and render me useless. Why do I let people at work get to me? Why do I worry so much about what people think of me? Why am I still pretending I am skinny on Facebook? Why do I let the loss of a follower (and one of my favorite bloggers) bother me? I know it's ridiculous and yet sometimes these thoughts haunt me.

I'm guess I am still learning. I just hope I can find the way, and lead in my words and my actions for my children.

What they say doesn't mean anything. Don't be afraid, just be your wonderful, loving self. That's all that matters. It will all be okay, just be happy and don't worry.

Sorry this is a little too deep for a Monday. I hope you are having a good day today, with very few worries.

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.- Ramona L. Anderson

21 comments:

  1. hello my dear friend,

    Just wanted to say that I am right there with you, I am having a harder time with the feeling of being judged today more than any other before, I may not get the job because of the stigma attached to being bi-polar or manic depressive. I feel like I have come such a long way and am more than qualified for this job, but the fact that they are still questioning me is mind boggling and makes me very sad. I also relate really well with the what to say to my son when I see him so little compared to older kids in his new daycare and he just looks so scared, I know the need to want to protect...I don't think that will ever go away. Ok, so now that I have written a book as a comment I'll stop blubbering...

    Love ya :) Hugs from bloggyland..

    Mesa

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  2. Janna, I sent you an email, but now that I can post again I just wanted to reiterate. You're definitely not alone in how you're feeling. I feel that way all the time. Hang in there and know you're a great mom!

    Mesa, I don't know you but I wanted to say I'm sorry you're dealing with such a terrible situation. Sending you some strong thoughts to help get you through :)

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  3. The real question is why can't I heed your advice? I still have trouble feeling like I can't do things right and I won't accomplish anything! Yet, to other people, I spew on and on about confidence and being comfortable in one's own skin!

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  4. You are soooo not alone. I kick myself all the time because I'm still trying to convince myself that I am worthy of other people's attention. I'm still a big chicken about asking for things that I want and not wanting to inconvenience people. I think we're all still scared little kids inside..

    As someone who was painfully shy as a kid and got picked on due to my shyness, it never really leaves...

    That said, your blog is fabulous and if people decide to un-follow - so be it; there are others out there who appreciate you :D Of course, I say this- and yet I still get my feathers ruffled when this happens!

    Keep your chin up!
    carma

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  5. we are all still learning. that's the price of parenting.

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  6. Janna you are definitely not alone in the way you are feeling. I too, worry about what everyone else thinks of me. From my bloggy friends, to my IRL friends. This is partly the reason that I have not been posting lately. I don't want to be know as the "negative blogger" even though, I am feeling pretty negative right now.

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  7. Stop by my blog when you have a moment! There's something there for you! :)

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  8. Hi, Thanks for following my blog, I am hosting a giveaway. Feel free to stop by and leave a comment for a chance to win. It is a Glade Sense and Spray and a Walmart gift card. Thanks!
    http://auntrene.blogspot.com/2009/04/glade-sense-and-spray-giveaway.html

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  9. This is a hard lesson to learn, no matter your age. The good news is, I do think it gets easier over time. I've definitely got the same insecurities, but they are not nearly as bad as they were when I was younger.

    Sending you good thoughts and bloggy *hugs*.

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  10. Ah, finally! I tried and tried yesterday to leave you a comment, but my computer WOULD NOT take me to this page! Now I can't even remember what I wanted to say yesterday.

    I know how you feel--not that I have a child in school, but I often think how different life would have been if I understood as a child how unimportant the "life altering" things were: not being invited to a b-day, being called a name at recess. I guess it's all part of growing up, though.

    I still have my own internal low self-esteem dialogue, but I am usually able to rationalize my way back to sanity, or at least a livable place.

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  11. Hugs!

    Everyone feels like that at one time or another. I'm sure you are a terrific Mom and you ARE providing a good example. One day at a time, and no worrying allowed!

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  12. You know what totally sucks as a parent, we can't fix everything for our kids and it breaks our hearts BUT remember as long as they are safe it is a learning experience. Also, the love and safety he feels at home will get him through a lot.

    Oh, we all feel insecure at times and handle it differently. I'm a venter and you guys are great because you listen to me! I just had a huge meltdown on my last post.
    Hang in there! I will tell you as you get older you get a little less concerned about everyone's approval:) See the upside to get old (lol)

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  13. it's so damn hard, isn't it? why will we (can I speak for us both?) always feel 12 years old inside?

    I lost a few followers recently, and am having an okay time with telling myself that if they don't like me, it's probably best that they just stay away anyway, and I'm sure there are people that like me that I don't like back, and so on.

    It still sucks tho

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  14. Oh Janna!!

    Hugs and Kisses.

    Love.

    A follower for bloggy life :)

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  15. You are so precious!

    sending much xoxoxoxox

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  16. I think you should tell him! I know he may be too young to understand all of it just yet, but my mom told me something very similar that may be more tailored to a young one: "Just go up and say hi to anyone you think you'd want to be friends with. It doesn't matter if you have nothing to talk about, it doesn't matter if you have nothing else to say. Just say hi and smile. People will almost always be friendly if you're friendly to them first."

    lindsay || newyorkwords.net

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  17. Oh I hear you on this one. I feel like such a fraud sometimes ... I mean, I get a little intimidated by the "older" kids in his school -- they seem so "knowing." And I make him eat fruits and veggies and I don't do that good on it myself. It is very hard to be how we wish our kids were ... but all we can do is try. : )

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  18. I feel you. Really. I'm terrible! I tell my son to be friendly, outgoing, say "hi," etc. But I don't. I pretend I don't see people at the store, when I really do... Mom guilts! They never go away!

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  19. Psst: There's something for you here: http://talkinwithteenie.blogspot.com/2009/04/id-like-to-thank.html

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  20. It looks like you've been given a lot of encouragement from fellow readers. If this is at all helpful, I will be happy. I feel scared and nervous for my son when he goes to school. I worry that he's too soft spoken and will get trampled on by the rowdier, abrasive children. But I give advice AFTER he comes and talks to me. The thoughts you have will be lost on him, I think, unless he can directly relate it with an experience...at least this is my train of thought. So I drop off, pick up and keep conversation CONVERSATIONAL...easy, light, back and forth so that he feels comfortable telling me stories about everything that happens even if I want to scream and judge. I stay quiet and then dispense little bits of advice each day. Advice that keeps him in check, reminds him to be a good person, and advice that will help him remain strong against the powers of childhood persuasion. :)

    As for the worrying about what others think of you...I don't find this to be a vain feeling. I believe it's a worry that you're expressing to others the exact way you want to be seen. It's important to know that what you want to express is being received in the right way. (and pretending to be skinny on FB is old hat, I think!) Happy Friday.

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  21. Sadly, words DO hurt and you can never take them back, but I think it's knowing that their origins are simply to get a reaction might be the key to not letting it bother you.

    Life's tough for little ones. And big ones, too, sometimes.

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