November 20, 2009

My Bête Noire of Children's Programming

Us parents, we put up with a lot. We clean up some gross bodily fluids, have no alone time, spend thousands on ridiculous plastic shit that becomes walking hazards, and lose thousands of hours of sleep every year because of our children. Unfortunately, that is not the worst of it, either.

We have lost control of our Television. Gone are the days of watching some stupid movie on TBS that you already own because there is nothing else on. No TV channel is safe from inappropriate commercials, not even during the middle of the day. Your only safe channels are Sprout, Noggin, and the Disney Channel. (Yeah, and the Cartoon Network? NOT FOR CHILDREN. What a misnomer.) In turn, as parents, we put up with a lot of terrible children's programming. Usually, the show with the most annoying characters is our child's favorite show and we end up having to watch it again and again and again because unlike us parents, our children will watch the same episode of Dora the Explorer again and again with no remorse. Believe me, it's happened. (Note to ONDemand: Please put more than one episode of Dora on ONDemand? The only one that is on there is the one about Dora having a baby sister and now Jacob is convinced I am going to have a baby, we've watched it so much.)

So here are my least favorite characters from my children's favorite shows. I would have more, but I really don't let my children watch TV, we are too busy baking organic whole wheat bread in the oven or sewing our own clothes or learning mathematics.*

Special Agent Oso
Listen, I love Sean Astin (who voices Oso), I do. But this character is the dumbest Secret Agent on Earth. I can literally feel my brain cells slipping away as I watch this. It makes me wonder what it's doing to my children, who are way smarter than this Agent.

Caillou is one of the universally hated characters. If you ever are having trouble making conversation with another Mother, just mention how you hate Caillou and you will have lots to talk about. (Unless of course she says she doesn't let her children watch TV in which case you should stop trying because you are not going to see eye to eye with this woman on anything anyway.) Caillou, here's some advice: maybe you should give it a rest and stop whining all of the time. Plus, you're kind of a little asshole. Caillou's parents: step in and discipline him, please.

Big Bird
This dates back to my childhood days of watching Sesame Street. Big Bird's voice annoys the crap out of me. Believe it or not, I prefer Elmo. That is saying a LOT. I don't know why Mr. Snuffleupagus hangs out with Big Bird, anyway because he is awesome, and Big Bird is not.

Norman from Fireman Sam
Fireman Sam is supposed to be a show about fire safety, but they need a catalyst to show you what NOT to do, and they use annoying Norman to do so. A note to Norman: Stop starting fires in your town. You are a menace to society and you are definitely not teaching my children good fire safety lessons. Hopefully they don't follow your lead.

Curious George
I threw this one in for Mr. Bee, who says he cannot watch George make these huge messes and cause so much trouble everywhere. I do agree with him, although he's so darn cute, that I can't stay mad for long.

What about you? What characters really get under your skin? Please tell me in the comments!

*oh come on, you all know me better than that! I'm kidding. Also, yes, I looked up and found the phrase Bête Noire from the thesaurus so I could look smart. It worked, right? (Don't answer that.)


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