To Three or not to Three

In my mind, I have always seen only two children. When I was pregnant, I told everyone that Jacob would be our last child. There was very little doubt in my mind about this. Now, the tables have turned on me and I am totally changing my mind. I can't believe I would even be considering getting pregnant again, and logically I know it is not a good idea. It would be VERY hard to afford three children. We would need a new car, a new house, I would have to quit my job, and then we would be even more strapped for cash. I really don't want to gain another 50 lbs and have to lose it all again. At one point Shaun and I really would like to be able to take a vacation without the children, and heck, even with the children, and having another baby would stall of this again. No one would want to babysit three children. Also, the first month of breastfeeding is always a nightmare for me-- It hurts, I feel incompetent and then I think about quitting four or five times. I want to be able for my children to have as much time and energy as we can muster and will we have any left over if we have another baby? Are we getting too old to have another, since our goal was to be "young parents"? And I know this is a silly concern, but do we really want to hold on to all of this baby crap? I already gave away a ton of maternity clothes!

And yet....

After Jacob was born, I immediately knew I wanted to have three children. In my heart I feel like I was destined for three. I kind of chalked it up to hormones, but it has been seven months and I still have this feeling! When Shaun and I talk about it, I immediately feel happier. Yes, okay, this does have a little to do with my wanting a girl, but more just a feeling of our family being complete after three. I don't know why, it just feels that way. For some reason, when Jacob was born, I finally got it. I'm a Mom, and I'm pretty damn good at it. I'm not great, but I really believe I do the best job I possibly can. I am proud of how hard I have worked to give my children everything I can, including love, stability and, I hope a little humor (although that is more Shaun's specialty). I just think I might have a little more to give.

I keep waiting to "grow out of" this feeling, but so far it hasn't happened. I think if I did grow out of it I would be secretly relieved and disappointed. So I am wait-and-seeing and hoping to win the lottery in the meantime. (Yes because that solves EVERY problem-*rolls eyes at self*).