I started to write this last Friday and was going to post it on Saturday, then the Giveaway got so crazy that I wanted to leave it up, so I postponed this post. Without further adieu here is the story:
I have been meaning to start a diet for a while now, and I am one of those people who can't just eat sensibly, I need to see results immediately. (Okay, I know, who doesn't want that?) So, taking a cue from My Medical Weight Loss Diet that I followed 10 years ago, I decided to do a "cleanse" before dieting. Basically a "cleanse" means you can have no pop, coffee, or milk, just water. (This means no caffeine- gasp!) You can have eggs but no salt and/or half an orange for breakfast, and then only red meat (again, no salt allowed) and green vegetables only with Medical Weight Loss approved Salad Dressing or Apple Cider vinegar as a topping. This goes on for three days. Last time I did this I think I dropped 6 lbs. I was so successful last time, however I thought if I wrote about it, I might be more likely to stick with it. Thus I decided I would "live blog" my cleansing process. Here is my attempt at a cleansing diet:
7am: Make eggs, with no salt in caphalon pan. Pieces of my stupid POS pan end up cooking into the eggs. I end up feeding the egg pieces without chips to Mr. Calamity, who is screaming "Mo" at me and frantically reaching for the horrible things. Eat three pieces of egg, only one without chips. Pretty sure I will now develop cancer or brain damage or something from inadvertently eating metal. Throw away pan. Drink half glass of water.
8:30am: Empty Diet Coke cans on my desk at work are taunting me. Drink another glass of water.
9am: Read weight loss blogs and look at "before" and "after" pictures. Think to myself: that could be me!
9:30am: Read food blogs. Think to myself: that could be what I could eat!
10am: Co-worker comes in with a dark chocolate-covered coconut candy egg. I love dark chocolate and coconut. I resist her offer, then have a change of heart. I take it the dark chocolate covered goodness and put it in my drawer, just in case. Drink another glass of water.
10:45am: Eating lunch at 11am is acceptable right?
11am: Getting headache. This is what I recognize as caffeine withdrawal. Go to the bathroom (hey I have had 3 glasses of water so far, I can't believe I've made it THIS long).
11:11am: 11:11, Ooh make a wish! I wish for more than 2 pairs of jeans to fit me.
11:15am: Not really hungry, but my mind is. I tell my mind to shut up for a little longer.
11:40 am: So bored. Want to eat. I am definitely a person who eats out of boredom.
11:50 am: Do not feel great. Thinking in monosyllabic words. Oh wait no, monosyllabic is more than one syllable. So is syllable. Okay, I think I need to eat NOW. Brain is not functioning.
12:20pm: Food was gross and smelly. Don't want to talk about it. Don't want to remember it. Didn't even finish.
12:55pm: It might be the lack of caffeine talking, but I want to give up! My head hurts. I don't want to do this all weekend! Whine Whine Whine!
1:25 pm: Whose stupid idea was this anyway? Oh wait, it was mine. I'm really contemplating that coconut cream egg.
2:00 pm: The act of taking Aleve has soothed me for now...
2:15 pm: Have given up. I hurridly eat a yogurt. Hey I didn't break the cleanse that badly!
2:30 pm: Now I am eating the coconut cream egg. I might have totally ruined my diet, but I am feeling better.
2:45 pm: Feeling much better now, thankyouverymuch. Headache is gone. Must not have been caffeine-withdrawal induced as I had thought.
~I should ease myself into dieting.
~Crash dieting is bad, Mmmkay?
~Just because it says "Medical" in front of it does not mean that it necessarily Doctor approved.
~I must never cut out caffeine ever again.
~I would NOT last long on Survivor.
~It's not much of a live-blogging post if you only make it 5 hours of the scheduled 3 days.
~Apple Cider Vinegar is one nasty beeyotch.
So I am going to try and do a much more balanced diet starting on Wednesday. One that includes Caffeine, and does NOT include Apple Cider Vinegar- gag!
Yeah, you there Apple Cider Vinegar- you aren't anything like Apple Cider! Apple cider is yummy and sweet, and you just smell like old pee. EW.