February 14, 2011

To Three or not to Three?

Question markphoto © 2005 Marco Bellucci | more info (via: Wylio)
I have been going back and forth with my husband over the same topic for two years. I always think we have resolved the issue, and that we are moving on with an answer. Unfortunately, both of us keep losing our resolve.

The issue is whether or not to have another child. I have always wanted to have a girl, and when the ultrasound revealed that we were having another boy four years ago, a part of that dream died for me. I love my two boys without question and would not change a thing about them, but I still sometimes feel sad that I will not have a relationship with a daughter like my Mom and I have.

Then, once Jacob was born, the question became: will we try again for a girl? Both my husband and I have changed our minds on this so many times over the years. He was against it for a while, wanting to wait until we were "financially stable". Then he realized that "financially stable" was a phrase that was synonymous with "fairy tale". I decided last summer that I wanted another child once I lost x amount of weight. Then I changed my mind, and decided that I didn't want to buy diapers anymore when Jacob was quickly potty trained. I thought this was the last word and that my husband did not want another child....

....Then a month ago he began cooing over babies. It turns out someone has baby fever and it is not me for once. (I may have had an inkling about this turn of events coming when he seemed a little saddened by my decision for no more children; I tried to ignore this.)

Now the question has become: am I willing to revisit something I had stopped thinking about? The idea of having another child is terrifying and exciting all at once. I can sit here and go over pros and cons, but honestly, I will never come to a decision that way. I'm not sure this feeling of uncertainty will ever go away. Is that uncertainty enough reason to have another child? All of the reasons not to have another child really seem selfish and silly, but haven't I earned the right to be a little selfish? It is my body that will be taken over again.

Also, babies turn into two year olds. They all do eventually. That idea alone is terrifying.

Has anyone gone through anything similar and if so, what did you decide?


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