May 3, 2011

The Unbearableness of Being a Grownup

the many faces of clark kentphoto © 2008 Ivan Dervisevic | more info (via: Wylio)
Confession time: I am extremely shy in person.

Now, people that KNOW me who are reading this are saying- "no you're not, you big weirdo. I can't ever get you to shut up." Well, I am way outspoken and ridiculous once we are friends, I have a lot of anxiety over meeting new people. My social anxiety even extends to speaking to people I know well that I haven't seen in a long time is difficult. My stomach twists itself in knots during social occasions. I am constantly unsure of what to say. My inner monologue works overtime to trip me up, letting me know that what I said is weird or strange or stupid. I do not want to discuss anything meaningful or interesting because I am so worried I will come across as stupid or strange. (Seriously, I live my life in a constant fear of being considered stupid or strange to strangers... friends and family already know I'm strange, so I can't fear that from them.)

I know how ridiculous it is to worry so much. I know I should just BUCK UP, I'm an adult. It is excruciatingly hard for me to buck up, though. The most challenging part for me is to talk to other parents. I feel young, stupid and weird talking to them. They seem so together, and I am so not together. I have a hard time forging even a fake friendship with them. I go to an event like a birthday party and always think of what I should have said, and don't speak up enough. I wonder... does everyone feel this way? How do they deal with it?

So in conclusion, if you see me somewhere and I seem snotty or aloof, I am probably just nervous off of my butt to even talk to you. I probably love your shoes, handbag, demeanor, or jokes and it has made me way too intimidated to talk to you. Also, I am probably overly tired and a little brain fried from my day so far (this makes the condition worse). Please understand and don't judge me. I will try not to judge you either.


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