Hope

I spent all of Saturday cleaning and spending time with the kids alone (again- for the 5th weekend in a row). As hard as certain moments were, I enjoyed most of Saturday. I enjoyed being home and actually getting to spend one-on-one time alone with the kids. It gave me hope that I can tackle this, that if I end up at home, I will not lose my mind. I'm trying to remember my happy, get back there to the time when I felt like a good Mom.... and I am getting there. Hopefully I can stay there.

"We have everything"

Lately.... it's been tough. There is no way around it. My life is in chaos. I don't know what next year will bring and there isn't even any time to discuss what will happen come October 1st when I will no longer be employed (I think.... I don't even know yet). I have been feeling incredibly stressed.

Today I realized something.

My stress doesn't excuse my temper, anger or actions. I can be a better person.

I don't have to live this life where I am hurting. I can choose to overlook it. I can count my blessings instead of moaning in misery.

The dog is totally crazy.... but he is the sweetest, loving dog.

The kids fight all of the time, but they really do love each other.

Jacob is tough on me, so tough.... but today out of the blue he said "you're the best".

Mr. B works constantly and I miss him so much, but that money will be very helpful soon.

My job is ending, my life is unplanned, but maybe this will lead to something good. Maybe this is what I need.


I want to get back there, get back to being content. Life is hard sometimes, but I think I'm making it harder. I need to feel good about myself, and that might mean letting go.

---

Today on the way home from the Science Museum, I saw a woman on the corner. She was unkempt and sitting on the sidewalk, surrounded by many bags.

"Boys, do you see that woman on the corner?"

"Yes."

"That woman is homeless. She doesn't have a home."

"That's sad," Drew said.

"Yes it is. Just remember that when you can't get something you want, that we are very lucky and have a lot."

---

Sometimes life feels so unfair, and then I realize we have everything. I just have to be willing to accept that it might not be the way I always wanted it, but we are very lucky and we have a lot.

Thinking of Springing

I've been working on decluttering... our house, my life, my feelings. I'm hoping for a fresh start. People have been asking me if this month has been easier than last month. The answer is yes and no. The past two months have been scary and hard, but I'm confident that one day I will feel like a grown up and be ready to tackle all of my problems..... er, right? With my job more than likely ending, I am at a crossroads and want to make the correct decisions. Lately I've been feeling like I've made some bad ones in the past that I cannot escape. Someone give me a cheat sheet (or a crystal ball), I need the answers!

On a more humorous note:

This family is so ready for spring and ready to be uncooped from our house. It has become a jungle gym in here.

I am also celebrating spring by trying to declutter myself as well. So far 9 pounds down. Unfortunately this only takes care of the "stress eating" that took place this Winter. I am hoping to drop at least 20 more pounds, hopefully by my birthday in mid-May, wish me luck!

Jumbledness and Old School Jams

So, it's been a crazy February.... sickness, death, life changing decisions being discussed, and now a possible layoff. It's a lot for my poor brain to process. I feel like it is all jumbled and I don't know what my next year looks like now.

Luckily, Mellow Man Ace's "Mentirosa" was on Sirius. That was my jam back in the day. I stole the cassette single from my sister and never gave it back (Sorry Amber)! Take a listen.



There's nothing like an old school jam to take your mind off of your problems for 5 minutes. Of course, then they are back like gangbusters. I have no idea what that last sentence means, but I like it. Happy Friday everyone! Please enjoy your weekend! All I can think is February is almost over, and it has to get better next month, right?

Signs I May Need a Vacation

I am literally the busiest I have been in my life. Between a crazy-overwhelming workload and taking care of a Kindergartner who spends more time being shuttled from place to place than attending school, a Preschooler who goes to a different school, and a neurotic puppy that needs attention all the time, I am stretched thinner than a rubber band. I've tried to remain calm, stoic, but I have no outlet to vent my stress. Recently I have noticed that my lack of relaxation is starting to take its toll on me.  I've started exhibiting odd behaviors:

I went to go get supplies for work, and drove halfway home without thinking about it.

I dialed 9 to get an outside line.... calling my Mom from my home phone.

I sometimes aimlessly wander into the kitchen at work, and wonder why I got there (it usually has to do with going to the printing room).

I've totally started to talk to myself.

I only really want to watch one show right now: "How I Met your Mother", because there are no stressful situations in the show.

I sent an envelope, a bill and NO CHECK to my childcare.

Seriously, I am in need of some palm trees, warm beaches and Corona, stat. Who's with me? And better yet, if you're with me, are you paying?

Missing

photo © 2007 rachaelvoorhees | more info (via: Wylio)
I am missing out.

I have been missing writing posts, checking up with friends, and reading blogs. I've been missing it tremendously. Honestly I just don't have any time  or energy to even think up anything witty or clever to say. That makes me sad. My job is kind of sucking the life out of me.

I miss me.

It's been really hard. I can't really find much joy in anything right now. I have a few moments with the family, but I am so all consumed by my job and thoughts of my job, I can't concentrate on anything outside of that right now. I have not been a good Mom. I've barely been an "okay" Mom, and I've been a nonexistent Wife. I've been a selfish Friend. I've been a bitchy Daughter*. Which only means one thing...

I've been an asshat of a Blogger.

I'm sorry, I hate these whiny posts too. I just want people to understand why I've been away. I don't want to be away, but I definitely don't want to be such a damn whiner in every post. So I'm going to try... try and get back to that happy place, at least here. This blog can be my corner of happy. I don't normally need any cheerleaders rooting me on... but if you want to root, it might help.

For now... I will have to come up with my little bit of happy. A reminder:

Sometimes I forget I have a lot to be happy about. Silver lining, right? I'm working on it.

* I will say I have been a good sister, merely for the fact that my sister and I can commiserate together.

4 words: In over my head

I know. It was never my intention to be gone this long or this much. Needless to say I have been busy, and when I haven't been busy, I have been tired. My brain is beginning to atrophy due to the ridiculous, soul crushing amount of data entry I have been doing (an aside, did I really go to college so that I can do data entry all day? This was SO not in my job description).

Also, I have been dealing with a puppy, which is almost worst than a newborn sometimes. The only good thing about a puppy is that you can leave them at home and get away from the madness... unfortunately I am stuck at home with the kids anyway, sigh.

I have wanted to write, I just am too tired by the time I have time... but here's what has been going on with my Bee hive clan....

We have been dealing with bullies at Drew's school. He was pushed by one bully and fell, and knocked a front tooth loose. Luckily it's hanging on, and he's okay, but we have been dealing with that and making sure he is safe at school. (Seriously, bullies at 5 years old? What is this world coming to?) I wanted to write a whole post about it, but it just became so overly dramatic in my head I decided not to commit it to computer (I almost wrote "paper", but then I realized that was wrong.)

A good friend of mine moved to Portland, OR to pursue her dreams. She is missed. :(

Two words: Puppy poop.

Four words: Puppy poop in crate.

Jacob is in his terrible twos and driving me crazy! Luckily he's very cute... for his sake.

I have a 5k coming up in less than a month. I was training for it and then we got Louie, who takes up every spare bit of time I have. Well, that and watching American Idol, which is soooo not as good as season 8.

So there's my little update. Hopefully I can in the next two months do these things:

Empty my google reader
Train for the 5k
Help Louie graduate obedience class
Help Drew Graduate kindergarten
get Drew prepared for public school kindergarten
get Jacob potty trained
get the house ready to sell
finish my data entry
watch American Idol
watch the NCAA men's basketball tournament

Oh, my lofty goals... I am so full of it if I think I will finish half this list before the end of spring....

My boys... who knew having so much cute in your life requires so much work?

PS Sorry for any grammatical errors, I am too lazy tired to fix them.

Flibbertygibbit

Here's my update on my life:

Wake up complain that I am tired, why didn't I go to bed earlier?
Wake up Drew, he complains he's tired.
Wake up Jacob, who is way too chipper at 6:30am.
Feed inappropriate food stuffs to children.
Rush around trying to get Drew ready for school, who fights me the whole way. Jacob on the other hand is just fine and happy. They are such opposites it's not even funny!
Drop off at school. Forget something important for Drew. ALWAYS. The Drama King comes out and I leave for work with him being an unhappy mess.
Get to work at 8:03am. Believe it or not, the 3 minutes I am late ARE a big deal, yet somehow I cannot correct it!
Coffee.
Data entry.
Coffee.
Complain to coworkers.
Eat a piece of coworker's chocolate.
Lame Lean Cuisine lunch.
Eat a piece of coworker's chocolate.
Data entry.
Harass coworkers.
Drive home. Complain about traffic.
Clean.
Make a semi-premade dinner. Feel exhausted from the effort.
Jacob eats a bite and wants to get down. After much crying, we let him. 5 minutes later he wants to get into highchair and tries to climb in to eat more. And repeat. And again.
Drew only eats what we make him eat as the only thing he EVER wants is cheese quesadillas.
Clean up after dinner.
Put Jacob to bed.
Complain about having to run.
Run.
Feel good and energized.
Try to watch TV with Mr. Bee- nothing on (can't wait to borrow True Blood, Sarah)
Play too long on Ipod.
Go to sleep too late.

So I am sorry I am so blah as of late! I am working on it- life just feels very full right now with the mundane and uninteresting, but I really am trying to keep it spicy with different types of entries. I imagine many of you feel the same way, at some points.

Even so, there will soon be some changes to my blog that I am very excited about! Stay tuned!

Hoping for the Bees

I got to have a heart to heart with Drew while tucking him in tonight:

"Mommy, I want a real sleeping bag, a nice big one. I slept in one once, it was so great."

"Honey we can't afford to buy all the things we want right now. Maybe one day we will buy a sleeping bag, but we have other things we need to buy, like the water shoes you need for school."

"What about a water squirter? [N] got a water squirter for his birthday and it was SO cool. Can I get one, pretty please, oh pretty pretty please?" Drew begged.

"No, we don't always get everything we want, and you know that. We have to make good choices right now, and water shoes are more important than a water squirter."

Big tears welled up in his eyes. "Why can't we buy both?"

"Honey, that is part of life. I love you, but I can't buy you everything."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm sure we will have this discussion often throughout his life. While our life is fairly cushy compared to many, we still live in fear, living paycheck to paycheck and paying ridiculous amounts in childcare fees and bills, worrying about when budget cuts eliminate my job and when Mr. Bee's job might disappear. I try not to let the worries and the fear catch up to me and take hold. I push them away and I don't think about it. I can't let it rule our life.

I know this is important because I remember the one time it did. The first time Mr. Bee was laid off I was barely working 10 hours a week and Drew was a baby. When he told me the news I had a massive anxiety attack. It felt like our world was crashing down on me and I wasn't sure that there were any options. I could barley breathe and I thought I had the flu and needed to go to the doctor. Then I laid down, calmed down and regained control. Never again did I let that fear take over me like that. I won't let it happen. I am stronger now, because I have to be for my family.

I am proud that Mr. Bee and I are able to provide for our family, and also proud that we are not afraid to tell my children "no", no matter what the reason may be. If we have to suffer in this recession right now, if our life has to be so precarious, I hope the silver lining is that my children will have it easier when they are adults.

I hope that means we get to tell the "back when you were kids" stories, where we tell our children how much tougher we had it when they were growing up, and they can groan and never really understand how scary it was to hear of budget cuts, bankruptcy and foreclosure all around us. I hope they never have to live in a State crippled with unemployment. I hope they groan and roll their eyes because they can't imagine it; however I also hope that they cherish all that they have and realize that while they didn't always have everything they wanted, having everything they needed was an amazing luxury that we were able to provide for them.

"Happiness is not the absence of problems; but the ability to deal with them." ~Jack Brown

Here's to wishing and hoping for the right things. Here's to hoping for the best for us Bees.

On the Run

Yep, those are our shoes. Mine are the second from the left. If you didn't notice, I have almost the same size shoes as Mr. Bee. Size eleven, or on good days, ten. Let the "bigfoot" jokes commence (and just wait until I take a picture of my hands)!


Also notice: my shoes are falling apart. From overuse. I have been working out a lot. A lot of people have said recently how great I look, how I look like I have lost weight. I haven't lost any, not even a pound, since my 6 pound weight loss. It's very frustrating. Of course, I know, muscle weighs more than fat, still I know that the calories I am burning compared to what I am eating should mean I would lose some weight, right? Anyway, for now I am done with South Beach and trying just to have a healthy diet and I am focusing on working out instead.

Even though my shoes are falling apart, the expense of new shoes is not something we can truly afford, as we should be living on essentials and saving money because Mr. Bee has been laid off one week, and will be laid off for another week sometime this summer. There aren't any words on how I feel about this. I find it so disheartening that we struggling so hard and yet getting nowhere. It feels like we are swimming and just barely keeping our heard above the surface, and just when I think we will break free and make it to land, someone puts another weight or burden on us.




Nobody told me being an adult was this hard.




I am glad I never wished away my childhood, like others did. I loved being a kid. In fact on that note, we are celebrating my birthday present this Saturday and going to Cedar Point, just Mr. Bee and me. I know what you are saying- but you can't afford new shoes, why are you going to Cedar Point?


Because sometimes it's important to be a kid again, even for a day. Even if it means you run in janky size eleven shoes.


On a happier note, I got to meet a new little guy, Aiden. He's adorable and smells like baby and coos. It's enough to make me want another baby myself... that is until I get a call from childcare telling me that Mr. Calamity bit another toddler.

Insert cute picture that makes you love Mr. Calamity again.

There, that's better.

PS Still can't wait to meet the other new little guy, Beck. (What's with everyone having boys?)

PSS Thank you to all of you who have been sticking with and reading me even in my funks. I have been very busy and I promise to get back to all soon. I think I should feel pretty refreshed by Sunday. Let's hope, right?

Graduation, Worms and Mr. Calamity's return: A Bee Update

Okay, I know... third week in a row I have missed Friday Favorites. In my defense, I have been super busy.

First of all, my big boy Drew graduated from PreK into Kindergarten. I know some of you are saying- wait he's too young to be in Kindergarten. Well, yes, but his childcare moved him up so he could be with his friends, also the curriculum for Kindergarten is more focused, and the class size is smaller, so these are all win-win. He will go to Kindergarten at his childcare and then the next year in public school. (Wherein I will jump for joy with all of the extra money we will have, because we will not be paying for childcare for two... oh god the day in which that burden is off of us will be a wonderful, bittersweet day indeed.)

I thought I would cry, and I didn't. Well, I did tear up a little, but I was so annoyed with Jacob being obnoxious that it distracted me from the moment. We did catch it on tape though, so I am glad. He was the first one to receive his diploma, and he did so well, going out in front of everyone. I was so proud to call him my son.

My little Graduate.

This is our fourth picture ever taken together as a family, and I insisted upon it!
Preplanning his graduation!

Secondly, we have been working on getting a garden going, and cleaning up our yard. The plants were growing really well in their little pods until we transported them to the big garden. Now I am not sure they will make it. But maybe we will get one or two crops from our efforts.

Just dirt right now!
Apparently Jacob is going to sweep up that dirt!

Worms for one, worms for all!

Thirdly, I am training (ha- that makes it sound like I have an actual plan!) to run a 5K with my sister at the end of September. So far I have run without stopping almost a mile. It feels like I am dying when I run though, so I am hoping it will get easier???

Fourthly (fourthly? is that even a real word?) work has been insane, doing busy work that I HATE. It literally gave me heartburn on Friday. I felt like throw up was in my mouth, planning for the training I despise most. On Wednesday I will feel better because it will be over for (hopefully) the year.

Fifthly (hmmm... really pushing it) my little Mr. Calamity is driving me CRAZY. We hit the terrible twos early. We can't go anywhere without him being a little shit and crying and carrying on. Good thing he is so darn cute.

Ahh... child why are you so cute? Why do you torment us so??

So that is our update... I promise I will be back soon with more excitement.

Working

Working on my Friday Favorites- but having trouble this week. I hope everyone else is having an easier time with them!

Not me! Monday: Snappy one liners/Superbowl Edition

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I so did not fret over Drew's 4th birthday party. I am not a worry wart so I did not worry all week only to have it turn out wonderful.

I also did not lose track of Jacob at the party and find him trying to escape out the front door. This was not the second time someone lost him and found him trying to escape. He is so not my Calamity Jake!

I also did not pass out fall asleep while watching Curious George with Drew a couple of hours later, because I was not exhausted from worrying about the Party.

I did not write the majority of this post on my iPod during the superbowl. I never would miss a moment of football.

This is so not how I feel about my job.



I was not a smartass to my sister Amber and Mr. Bee on Sunday coming up with some great one liners to their statements:

Mr. Bee: I have to start getting prepared for the Superbowl (at 11am this morning).
Me: What, are you playing in it?

Amber: I make these great chicken nachos. It's got rotisserie chicken and pepperjack cheese on them. It's my secret recipe.
Me: Secret recipe? Um... not so secret now!

I did not think about how I could blog these one liners, and so did not get really excited when I realized I could!

I was a very responsible Mom and did not let my kids eat junk and snacks all weekend. I would never compromise their health for my sanity.

Jacob is not down to his last diaper, and therefore I am not praying that he does not have a BM before school today. I would never play THAT game of russian roulette.

I did not almost address my Husband as Mr. Bee on Sunday. I would never let my blog take over my real life. :^P

I so did not just use an emoticon in my blog!

~Preoccupied~

T Minus 17 hours until Drew's Spiderman Party Extravaganza.
T Minus 19.5 hours until I have a glass of wine.

Tired.
V. bad week at work and was hectic as all hell.
Will be continuing through next week.
Get through next week is my mantra.
After next week will be better.


Check out this little nugget I wrote here.
Be back soon, I promise!
PS Thanks for all the following at Facebook, now I am a real networked Blog! or whatever that means. You guys are the best, Mwah! (That's me blowing air kisses to you!)
PPS My boss just walked in and said I looked tired. Now when is that ever a nice thing to say to anyone?

Please help

Here is my plea. My husband does not know how to cook. If I said this to him, he would ask my to correct myself, my husband does not know how to cook dinner. He is the champion of breakfast foods. No one cooks pancakes like him. They are the best, and he even has taught Drew how to make them. I love my husband. Now that we have gotten that out of the way....

A couple of weeks ago I made cheesy crockpot chicken. Nothing too exciting but it was going to be a home cooked meal, and I was at work for 10 hours that day, expected to arrive home at about 6:30pm from picking up the kids so yay me. My husband, who gets home most nights around 4pm, asked if he should pick up the kids. I told him to finish the meal up instead, which involved boiling noodles and putting broccoli in with the chicken. Simple, right?

As I arrive at the Child care, I get a call on my cell. It's Shaun. "How much water should I add to the pot to cook the noodles?" I told him, and hung up the phone, incredulous that he just asked me a question about boiling noodles. He's going to be 35 this year and he doesn't know how to boil noodles?

When I arrived home, I immediately noticed he didn't make noodles, but angel hair pasta. When I asked him, he said he thought that's what I meant (even though there was clearly a huge bag of noodles sitting right next to the pasta). Because noodles and pasta are the same thing, clearly...

Then I smelled something burning. "What's that?" I asked.

"Well, I thought it looked like too much broccoli to put in the chicken, so i cooked some for the side."

"Well, how long did you cook the broccoli?" I asked, pulling the bowl out of the microwave.

"For 10 minutes."

Have you ever smelled burnt broccoli? Better yet, have you ever smelled it and tried to eat dinner at the same time? This broccoli was charred.

So to put it mildly, we need help. I don't get home until 6:30 every night, so he needs to make dinner, yet if I eat pancakes for dinner one more time, I might puke or die of scurvy. Does anyone have any good, easy recipes?

A working Mom's dinner in pictures

6:30 pm- Time to make a lovely dinner from scratch.
7:00 pm Time to eat.
7:08 pm. Yeah, someone needs a bath now.
7:15 pm. Dinner table. Notice someone hasn't eaten. Hubby and I haven't eaten together in a year now. Did you see how hard I worked on those mashed potatoes?
7:30 pm Time to play- tonight it is "Roller coaster".
7:45 pm. Now it is "train". The blanket, such a versatile toy.
7:50. Hmm.. he hasn't gotten into trouble yet!
7:55pm- Okay now he has!
7:55 pm. With trouble comes slips, falls and tears.

8:00 pm. Bath time (no pictures- someone was not a happy camper).

8:30 pm. Bed time. Obviously, I put the little one to bed.

9:00 pm. Relaxin' watchin' The Office in my Jammies time.

Whew, another day bites the dust.

Thanks

I don't usually write about work... but this is worth noting....

All I have to do is write an email letting everyone know about my 200+ mailing to get my co-workers to help stuff, seal and stamp them, to the point where I am doing the minority of the work.

Right now we are housed in a cubicle jungle and next month we will be moving to an office where we will have our own little offices and while I know everybody is excited about it, I think it will be lonely without all the chatter.

Lets just say I have great co-workers....

I guess I will have to make sure to still have my little mailing parties.

Oh Why oh did I eat those Do-si-dos?

Do-si-dos are my favorite girl scout cookie. I will eat them all in one sitting with a glass of milk and like it! That's why I don't buy them. Then someone from work brought in Do-si-dos. I had two this morning. Then I had two... okay three this afternoon. I took way more than my fair share of Do-si-dos.

And now my pants are so freaking tight I can breathe. Seriously, I had to unbutton the top bottom so as to not cut off my circulation!




This is what I get! Damn you Do-si-dos! Damn you and your heavenly, peanut-buttery goodness! *Sobs*

These things I know to be true.....

Someecards are really absurd and funny. Sending them makes me giggle.

Being a parent is challenging and rewarding, but it is not the end all be all. There are a lot of things in life that are challenging and rewarding, this just happens to be my path.

There are people out there who expect something for doing nothing and people out there who expect nothing for doing something. I hope to one day be less of the former and more of the latter.

I spend WAY too much time worrying about others.

I spend WAY too much time worrying about things I can't control.

I spend WAY too much time worrying in general.

I will never stop loving MSU Basketball.


I really enjoy spending time with my family and my husband's family. I know this is considered odd, I consider it really lucky.

I would do anything to go on Vacation.

I am in a weird generation in which I know what life was like before the internet, although I can't imagine life without it.

I am also in a generation where we will make less money than our parents even though we are more educated than them.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush is a really dumb saying.


If you are good at your job, then inevitably you are probably doing your job and someone else's as well.

Spring makes me lazy and happy.

I will never be as good of a cook as my Mom is, however I can sing better. Thbt.

Hey look at me

In case any of you were wondering from my previous post....

47 words

Speedtest

and I don't think I will ever be faster.